~"Speak out..you got to speak out against the madness..You got to speak your mind if you dare"~David Crosby
On Wednesday November 19th, 2008, I wrote my first ever blog post. It was in response to a show that Oprah.-Goddess of the daytime talk circuit(at the time)..did on the subject of autism. I wasn't new to Autism-but I was new to how the world generally looked at people like my kids. I had sat there and watched in absolute horror-her hour of tragedy..You know the kind of show...where there are a lot of close-ups of Oprah looking concerned..sometimes emotional (compassion close ups-because Oprah FEELS such strong FEELS-and she isn't afraid to show them..oh brave brave Oprah..sharing her serious sorrow deep feeling face with a billion people looking on...(I hope that the paycheck was worth it) using her quiet serious voice...There will be NO smiles when suffering is discussed...and oh was it ever discussed. Parents interviewed amongst piles of laundry...messy houses..wearing sweatpants and mourning the life they no longer had. It was an hour long eulogy that Oprah spoon fed to her audience and they slurped it up along with the fine whine narrative. Oprah said kids like mine were a tragedy-and thus in main stream media-it became so. I was pissed. I even wrote in and said "Hey! look at my kids! Look at my family! You got this all wrong! I even invited her to my house-"meet them" I said,,"My kids are great! Their lives are wonderful!"...there was no response...I hadn't really expected one. But, like I said-I was pissed. How dare this woman who had so much power-so much clout..so much sway..how dare she? Thus-my blog was born...
When I started up on this blogging adventure, I didn't know any other parents like me...didn't know any autistic adults..all that I knew were my kids-and being that they are pretty terrific..I thought that writing about them might do something...give a different perspective..show people that we were really just like any other family...we had our ups and downs-like any other family...and sometimes, we were even funny..I never expected to be read...and I was kind of thrilled when I was. It has been a great experience so far. I felt like I was making a difference..small as it may be...I was contributing to making the world a better place for people like my kids..I was DOING something.
Over the years, It seems as though I write less and less...well, actually-Ijust post less and less.(I'm always writing) It's just that everything that I write about kid wise-requires their approval, If they aren't comfortable-I am not going to post it. They are in the uncomfortable years. Maybe some day...when they are older. And they are getting older..They continue to grow and thrive in their own ways..In one sense, we are coming to the end of parenthood,,and taking on more of a roll as mentors. Our house is very different from what it was eight years ago. We no longer have a t.v. blasting 24/7..Thomas the tank engine is dead (hooray!) My Little Pony has found its way out of the house and has been replaced with writing and drawing...Oscar is becoming quite the swimmer,,,is about to join basketball,,,and wants to create a YouTube channel about growing up in this family.. Sam is spending his own time researching comparative religions for his comic book series... Our kids are looking outward and forward because we have guided them to...I mean, that's our job isn't it? To push them into making decisions and choices that have nothing to do with us. They are their own people.-and while we remain very tight as a family...they are finding their sense of self and purpose in their own right. It's scary..and beautiful at the same time. Parenting is very powerful...how easy it would have been to convince them to stay still...to stay with us...to create an illusion of safety where they would be afraid to do anything away from us..it's a slippery slope...and so far we have managed it-until now...
I think that every parent fears their kids going off on their own at one time or another for one reason or another. In our case-it's autism. Will they be accepted? Taken advantage of? Abused..neglected? Read the news-those are very real fears..At the same time-we have raised our kids to be true to themselves...to love who they are..to be responsible young adults in a world that doesn't always take responsibility for much of anything. It's a leap of faith-sending them out there...But it is the right leap. They belong in the world..they deserve lives and adventures away from home. Our want for them to have this trumps the major anxiety that I have over them getting it.I am letting go-a breathe at a time....and then...this election process started..
.Actually, it started with the attack on Paris...one of our kids caught a part of the news...she only heard the words...capitol city,,,shootings and Muslim...I was in the shower and was not aware of her panic...she ran to the phone to call Omar (who works in our state capitol) to see if he was safe...begging him to come home. She is twelve years old...and she like her brothers and sister are of mixed ethnicity...They are Arab...We have family across the world who are Muslim...my girl is anxious and afraid..and there is nothing that I can do to help it...not really. Not when the "adults" either politicians...or people on the news..speak with such vitriol-such prejudice..such bigotry and hatred. That we as humanity- ALLOW this..is beyond me. This isn't freedom of speech-it is freedom FROM responsibility. We have tried to shield them as best as we can...but these things leak out....My child..my beautiful girl feels like her family is a target in her own country. How do I reconcile that while at the same time encourage them to go out in to the world because they have a lot to offer it? Good lord this parenting thing is tough...between raising kids, wrestling Oprah (verbally in my head) and some of the current candidates..I'm feeling rather lost...worn..while at the same time looking for answers. I had thought that maybe the world was changing in small increments...but now, I'm feeling back on square one. How can I hope that things could ever get better for disabled people...i.e. acceptance and inclusion-services..if we can't even accept different ethnicities..religious beliefs,sexual orientation,skin color..or even responsibility for our words? It's times like this that I find myself desperately looking for a parent to give me the answers,,until I realize that I am the parent and I don't have any. My hope is that in another eight years, if I'm still alive...that maybe just maybe,,things will be better...and I'll be posting from my rocking chair..and my biggest worry will be if my kids will make it home for Christmas...No matter where I am-I know that I will always hope...and dream..speak out and wrestle with characters in my head...
To all my internet friends..Happiest of New years...
