"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons"
"Mama?"..."Yes Lil?"...When I'm thirty, how old will Sammy be?" "Thirty six." "How old will Oscar be?" "Thirty four." "And Zoe?" "Twenty eight." "Mama?....When I'm a hundred, how old will you be?"..... Decrepit." "Decrepit??? How old is that?".."Ancient." "That's o.k. Mama, I'll take care of you." Sigh...I have no problem imagining Lily running around at that age.-no problem at all..But me? Being around at one hundred and thirty nine? I hope that by then, I will have long since packed my last snack. I do know this though...long after I am gone, my words will live on..if not in my writing, definitely in my kids.
The minute you have a child, your mortality becomes all important..you fret and you worry -"What would they do without me?..Who will take care of them the way that I do?..Who will love them like me...and get their snacks and tuck them in.. and raise them up and accept them...and understand them...Who?" Sigh... Parenting can be a perilous road...and at times I wonder, just what in the hell was I thinking in bringing these kids into the world. I have no idea of what I'm doing! None. I'm flying by the seat of my pants, driving blind...in the dark! I don't know what tomorrow will bring...or how I will deal with it. The tricky part is, not letting my kids know this. To them, I am all knowing, all powerful...omnipotent-at least, until they are teenagers . Even then though, my words will affect them.
I can still hear my mothers voice even though she has been dead half of my life. My grief has faded, but her words live on.. "Don't judge a book by its cover", " treat people the way in which you wish to be treated", "wash your hands after using the bathroom" and "ladies don't smoke or chew gum in public".sigh...I might not always listen to those words-but they are there, in the back of my head...especially when smoking in public. It does make me wonder though, what words of mine will my kids will remember...will it be "I think you are wonderful" or "Can't you just let me have five minutes to myself??!!" Or maybe, "I will always love you no matter what" or "If you don't get down off of that table, you won't have cookies till you're fifty!" I think they will remember a little of both...fondly...Or at least I hope so. I do know this-I will always make sure that they know that they were loved. Unconditionally.
Last week, my father, my nemesis, my friend, one of the biggest pains in the ass there ever was, and one of the funniest people I have ever known, my dad, died...leaving a gaping hole in my small world, and I am reeling... treading grief like it were water, just barely keeping my head above..And yet, at the same time, in my mind, I can hear him saying .." Kid?- A kick in the behind is a kick forward"..Strangely enough, I can also hear "I feel like a horses behind" "I'm so mad I could eat nails" and "You can kiss my rosy red behind"..And in an odd way, these words give me comfort, and through them, I know that I will get by-endure. My father may indeed have been fallible, his words...interesting, but he did teach me how to swim. v/
I really do hope that I am not around when Lily is one hundred years old..I mean, Sammy wants to put me in a nursing home now-what would become of me at one hundred and thirty nine? I do know this though-no matter how long I have on this earth, my kids will always know their importance to me-and that they are loved. They even may wind up quoting me now and again...just as long as I don't "feel like a horses behind"-I should be alright...