Saturday, December 20, 2014

The beautiful of all that is...

~"I hate writing, I love having written"~Dorothy Parker

The herd when this blog started..

               Once upon a time...about thirteen years ago, (maybe it was twelve-time makes things blurry)  we learned that our Sam was autistic..a few years after that, Oscar...and..well, you know the has been sort of like domino's..only not in order..

Shortly before I was tethered, bound?  totally immersed..or whatever you call it-heart and soul to these four amazing beings..I was pretty carefree..We were pretty carefree.  Sure, we had our worries here and there..but nothing like the worry that you have once kids enter the picture...Not at all.  It's as if once you have a kid -BOOM-worry has kicked open a door to your brain..and takes up permanent residency..without paying rent. 

Growing up, I didn't dream of a wedding day or isn't that I couldn't imagine the possibility..I just didn't think about those things.. I had bigger fish to fry..adventures to have. I admit, I was kind of surprised by Omar...didn't believe in love at first sight..or actually in my case-lust.  But there you go. We met..and it just..was-WE just were..I don't know if that makes sense...Even then-I didn't give much thought to having kids..we were together for seven years before Sam was born...and now, here we are with four..go figure.

I really didn't have many expectations when I was first pregnant..although I did have many rude awakenings after giving birth.  Oh so life was no longer my own-and that took some getting used to..actually, a lot of getting used to. But the thing of it is..well, I didn't "expect" anything from my kids..other than they just be. I figured that you gave birth to these little humans and they would eventually grow into big humans..That my job was to grow and love and nurture these beings into adulthood where they would go forth whatever it was that they wanted to do, The adventure was in getting them there..the rest would be up to them..

I am not going to lie and say that autism didn't shake things up-it did-it does. Some things things aren't as clear cut as I imagined they would be...but then again-what is? We roll with them...and continue to roll...most of the time even merrily..but lately? We are rolling in so many directions it's hard to keep up..It isn't's just ..confusing..

 I started this blog a little over six years ago,,,the kids were little..I could keep them together..herd them. We had our challenges..but mostly, I spent my days looking for shoes..
because someone was either always losing one (always one) OR someone refused to wear they stuffed them somewhere I couldn't find them...and then, they forgot where they hid them...and hilarity ensued...not. 

 They have bigger dreams now..they have wants..they long for the things I can't give them.  Sam (who started out on this blog as "Sammy") can not wait to leave home..can't wait for whats much so that he isn't paying too much attention to whats now. It's hard watching him struggle..watching him fall...hard to LET him fail. I have to..have to let him make mistakes..fall behind in him scramble to catch up. We found an art class for him on the weekends which he adores. I love (when I come to pick him up) listening outside the door..hearing him joking around with his classmates.  He has found his tribe, So, while it is hard to watch him stumble..he is finding his feet... funny boy young man-has become so introspective.He still jokes around..still likes to make us laugh..It is just more thoughtful and not so random... He had an anxious moment the other morning..I don't know what set him off...but, as I knelt down in front of him..I reached up as I always have- to stroke his hair and I couldn't.. my arms were too short...I couldn't get to him...and I'm not so sure that he wanted me to. I was lost..and at a loss.. The moment passed..he soothed he walked passed me he took my hand and squeezed it..saying nothing and everything..

 My girls are struggling-one way more than the other..Funny, my boys had so many difficulties when they were girls seem to be erupting with age. Girls on the spectrum are more complicated..I think,,,or at least mine are. Girls present differently..getting professionals to understand that isn't always easy.  Most studies center on boys. That has to change..We are so fortunate to have some very good people supporting them.  

They are lovely works in progress-these girls of mine..not yet young women...but not such little girls either. They are at tough ages...I know because I was once that age-and I'm really really glad that I am long past it. I often hear people reminisce about their youth..and how they wish that they could go back,,,and I think that they are crazy..Really just nuts..out of their heads...senile?  You couldn't pay me to go depends on how much money you would have to be an astronomical amount..but then..if I had all that money..I wouldn't have this . hectic sometimes complicated..mostly joyful..beautiful wonderful and very full life. I could do without looking for lost shoes...yes, I'm still doing that...only now, it is for my own. Mostly.

girls 6 years later

The boys six years later (bad shot of Sam-he will probably be mad at me for posting this-sorry buddy!)


Looking for Blue Sky said...

Hope you keep on blogging and inspiring and entertaining us with your stories about your wonderful family xx

Anonymous said...

Loved it; thanks for writing. Love Ei

jazzygal said...

A beautiful, retrospective post.
It mut be very hard to let your Sam fail and pick himself up again but you're right, you have to do it. (And so will I soon enough!) I'm sure Oscar isn't far behind either!
Your girls are fabulous and I've no doubt that in time you'll be letting them fail and pick themselves up too.
Being in a position that you CAN let them fail and recover is like a litmus test of success, isn't it? The Golden grail! xx

kathleen said...

@Bluesky-thanks..I hope too. :)

@anonymous (really my sister!) Thanks..

@Jazzy-Thank you. Yes, oh so very hard! I'm so looking forward to retirement! The "golden grail"-YES!

Dawn Marcotte said...

Thank for sharing - I agree with how hard it is to watch them fail - I have a teen girl on the spectrum. Happily she has a high self esteem and so far seems to have avoided a lot of the angst the rest of us seemed to feel at that age.

kathleen said...

@Dawn-thanks..I'm glad your girl is skipping the angst! I am hoping mine get all this drama out now-and that their teen years are easier..:)

Stephanie Allen Crist said...


As for shoes, I keep mine downstairs in my office, because if I don't, Ben will wear them (usually only one) and then they could end up anywhere.

kathleen said...

@Stephanie-thanks...Ha-I totally understand keeping your shoes separate..AND a child walking around just wearing one. :)