Little tiny pieces of contradictions..

~"Gonna keep on tryin' 

Till I reach my highest ground"~ Stevie Wonder

    

        A long time ago, when they were little, I had thought that if we made it this far-that this was the time when it was  going to get easier...that-because they were older..I would need to do less..That somehow they would magically turn into thoughtful young adults with a general idea of what they were going to do and how they were going to do it.  I had images of all of us sitting down with a cup of tea..I would be dressed in an adult sort of outfit..(not the fleece leggings and tee shirt I am wearing now) my hair would be brushed (unlike now)...and we would..I don't know..talk about adult sorts of things..and then (after they rinsed out their cups and put them in the dishwasher) off they would go..to do these adult things...and Omar and I would stand arm in arm in the doorway and wave them off ....and then??  I never dreamed about what fictional Omar and I were going to do after sending them off...perhaps we'd go where all the old couples go...to the early bird special-(dinner at three in the afternoon) and then home to watch Wheel Of Fortune,,,until bedtime or death I guess...It was a weird fantasy-I mean, I don't even like tea! But, I guess it was one of those things that got me through the tough times...before potty training..when I seemed to spend hours just looking for shoes and fixing snacks...and going to appointments...and finding shoes....

  Now, we are actually here...sort of. They find their own shoes-mostly, fix their own snacks...and occasionally put their dishes in the dishwasher. There was a time when I really thought that I'd be eighty years old and still filling snack bags with goldfish while herding them in to the mini-van..so that we wouldn't be late for my podiatrist appointment..

  I am just not one of those people who has ever thought "they grow too fast"..I've never mourned their childhoods...never wished them to be small again-hell no! But at the same time..I never gave much thought to their actually leaving. As in they were REALLY going to do it. Fantasized? Yes....But now that we are here...I'm not sure what I think...

  There is just so much more that they need to know...little things-the stuff you take for granted..The other day, I asked one of my kids to clean the sinks in the bathrooms.  They were icky-covered in toothpaste and all the other stuff bathroom sinks get covered with. I didn't really think about it...until I came home...The inside of the sinks were spotless-pristine even...the outside-where all the icky stuff was?  Not so much..."Hey bud?  I thought that I asked you to clean the sinks?"  "I did!"..."But...well...there is toothpaste and junk all over them..".."But you said to clean the sink...you didn't say the outside parts!"  *sigh* He was right-I didn't. I did not specify in exact detail what I wanted him to do.....THIS is the stuff that I worry about..the little bits...,the minutia..the details-oh how the devil is in the details!
I know-it sounds like nothing..but really?  These are the things they need to be able to figure out as they move on with their lives.  I feel like there just isn't enough time in the day..in the week..in the month...like I'm in some sort of RACE against time...If I don't teach them how to get from A to B...how will they ever get to C and D..and all the other letters? Their growing up has me in a tizzy..So much so that I sometimes forget..how far they have come...and how much they already know...

I don't  understand how...but my Oscar seems to have this sixth sense when it comes to me and my worries...The other night, he came to me and said "Mama?...What is the meaning of life?"..( He just blows me away sometimes) I said something along the lines of.."I think that is a question that humans have been asking since the beginning of time..what is our purpose?  Why are we here?..I don't think that there is really one answer..do you? "..He looked at me and said "I think that we are just supposed to live it.."

Out of the mouths of babes...

The number one rule of our family is "Be who you are" It is our mantra-our motto..The one thing that I have insisted upon since they were old enough to communicate..Yet here I am- worrying about who they aren't.  I do not like this about myself.  It makes me feel like a hypocrite...One hand is pushing them out while the other is having a hard time letting them go.  The world is not always the kindest place-especially if you are different. They know that because I tell them...But I also tell them that there is a place for them in it..that they belong. I know!  It is a total contradiction-and I own it. It is something that I have to work on in myself...Work I will...because it would be all too easy to give in to my anxiety..all too easy to convince them to stay...all to easy to convince myself that this is what they want to do. But what would that accomplish?  As Oscar so accurately put it-Life is supposed to be lived...

  My kids know that no matter what-they always have a home with us..Always. I think that knowing this..knowing that they always have a place to go to-encourages them to dream..to look ahead..to think about taking those steps towards living their own lives..It comforts me too..especially on my darker days..when anxiety is trying to take up residence in my head...I  just have to remember to breathe-Remember to be in the present..Remember to go over bathroom cleaning techniques and to brush my hair....the future although scary-is just that-the future....and it IS theirs.