Saturday, October 12, 2013

The world outside our home...

 George Eliot



This post deals with mortality- just giving fair warning.


I was thinking about a conversations that I had ( years ago on another blog) on a post about stimming.  The blogger had written about her worry over peoples reaction to her sons stimming.  I said "My Oscar stims all the time..but he's so damn charming that it disarms people...maybe that will go towards changing how the world looks at these things.." Another person chimed in with "Sure, he's cute and charming NOW-but wait until he's an adult and people are scared of him..you can't change the world!!-It's pointless to try!..." I didn't bother responding to that....Although, I remember thinking "Wow-she's bitter..and not very nice". I was talking about my Oscar! My funny boy!  How could he ever NOT be charming and wonderful? How could anyone ever look at him-at his stimming and be scared?  He was four at the time.

In a few short months, Oscar will be thirteen.  Something that he likes to remind me about whenever he wants to DO something..like watch R rated movies or walk in to town by himself.  It is also something he conveniently forgets when I ask him to DO something like homework..or clean his room.  It has been nine years since I posted that comment..nine years and still that little snippet of blog conversation lives a full life in the back of my brain...occasionally worming its way to the bright lights and center stage of my thoughts.  Nine years later and I realize that the woman who I thought was bitter-was probably in reality-just really scared. I can recognize that now that (some of) my kids are on the verge of young adulthood-I can understand it too.

  We have tried to raise all of our kids to be confident in who they are. Teaching them that being kind and decent were the most important things. Stimming, eeeeing...pacing and muttering were just some of the things that made them-them. That being different was fine-great even..wonderful...spectacular!  So they thrive and they grow..because they believe me. Because I am their mother..their mom..their mama..they trust me.  Me. And on those nights when I recall that long ago conversation...when I allow myself a moment to be scared,,I wonder...have I raised them to live in how I think that the world should be instead of how the world  really is?  This is something I wrestle with.  Sometimes I feel guilty-like I am setting them up to be terribly disappointed..yet at other times I think that building their confidence, their sense of self will give them armor to get through anything.

  Anyone who has ever had the dubious pleasure of attending an IEP meeting with me has (more often than not) heard me say-quite clearly "I have to die some day.".(Mortality-the enemy of parents everywhere!) I don't say this for its shock value-I say it because it is the truth. Because if my kids don't get what they need now-how are they going to get by later-when I am no longer there?  Yes, I worry about not being there.

  I try very hard not to let my fears guide me. I admit, there is a part of me that wants to encourage them all to stay together at home(forever)...where it's "safe" and they can protect each other from the world as it is. But that wouldn't be fair-because it wouldn't be THEIR decision-THEIR choice..not really. It wouldn't be honest-because I have raised them to be who they are..regardless of how the world outside our home is. We have raised them with the fierce conviction that they have a rightful place in this world-a conviction that I believe with my entirety.  Encouraging them to hide who they are would be a contradiction. It would make what I have taught them a lie..acceptance with strings attached.  I can't do that....won't.

Way back in high school, a friend once said to me "If we you want to change how men view women in the world-raise your sons." Yet  another one of those snippets of conversation that has stayed with me-especially when I look out at the world that is outside of our home..Nine years later and Oscar is still flapping and eeeing...and he is still as charming as he was at four. Maybe I can't change the world..but I can raise my children...raise them...raise them up..and hope...and hope and hope that in some way..anyway..even if it is in a small way...the world will raise with them...

9 comments:

Michelle said...

Absolutely! I am a firm believer in the power of hope. There are so many good people in the world. I hope our children will be surrounded with them and ignore the rest.

jazzygal said...

I too have snippets of conversations that live in the back of my mind. Time has changed only slightly how I view them now. I've also had the ongoing 13 yo convo/argument. And the mortality issue is there also. Buried far behind everything but there nonetheless.

You are doing a brilliant job :-)

xx Jazzy

Looking for Blue Sky said...

This is such an important issue - I see it with Smiley, she is still lovely, but often not as cute as she was at four years old, nor my son either. But your way has to be the right way, as surely it would be worse if they were fearful and ashamed of who they are?

kathleen said...

@Michelle-oh me too! hope hope hope..

@Jazzy-thanks. Yes-time changes things...sometimes at least! :))

@Bluesky-Oh I hope so...on one hand, I couldn't do it any other way...but on the other? I guess-like all of us, I just worry a lot..*sigh*

Floortime Lite Mama said...

Exactly what looking at blue sky said !!
I think of a post you wrote a long time ago "to ee or not to ee"

That and Samarhia ( cant spell it - but she is Son rise mom) - has always been my guiding post on how to think about stimming

kathleen said...

@Floortime- :) Thanks..

Stephanie Allen Crist said...

We can change the world. The people who say different have accepted limitations, and because they have accepted those limitations they're right in saying they can't.

The key is to accept our abilities--as well as the abilities of our children--and then we can, because we know we can.

It's not easy, but it is possible, because it needs to happen.

kathleen said...

@Stephanie-yes! It does need to happen! I do think that we can do this...I just wish it were easier..or quicker in happening...

Stephanie Allen Crist said...

Unfortunately, neither easy nor quick are part of the bargain. Right now I'm working on organized and effective, but it's going to take time before I even get that chance.