Reap...

~"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."~

 Franklin P. Jones

       

         

     So, our holiday break came to an end..We had a lovely Christmas and New Years day.  Right now, we are finishing up our first week back to regular life.. 

  Five years ago, I would have been cheering the start of school..counting the minutes (really-I did count them) until the kids got on the bus and left me and my coffee blessedly alone. I loved having them home-but sometimes too much of a good thing is...too much.   Now, although I am enjoying  once again having a few minutes to myself -it is with a different sort of feeling..more bittersweet and less hysterical joy. They are all older now-and life isn't so cut and dried. Instead of wrangling a herd of little ones..I am helping four very diverse and strong minded individuals learn to navigate their lives...which is a mature way of saying "Holy crap I have teenagers and a tweenager and a little one who believes she is an adult!" ...and they ALL need me all at once..and I'm trying to juggle everything which feels like trying to put socks on cats. I will be honest in saying that I have absolutely no idea of what I'm doing.

The logical portion of my brain tells me that they are all doing what they are supposed to..I get that.  But the highly caffeinated emotional and larger part of my brain shakes its fists (figuratively-my brain doesn't have fists) in the air lamenting "Why? Why?!" 

 My oldest is sixteen now..and he is trying to figure out his place in the world..It has been tough watching him stumble-letting him fail..but equally, it has been beautiful to watch as he gets right back on his feet. It's hard...he's not a kid...and he's not quite an adult.  He is definitely not my peer! He struggles with that last part-as do I-but for different reasons...He has a great sense of humor-however...some of that humor should never be shared with your parents! "Hey Mama...have you heard the one about the MASTER fisherman and his BAIT?" "NO! and I don't want to!".."But Mama..it's funny!  you see there was..." EEK!(plugging my ears) LA LA LA LA LA! Make it stop!  

  Then we have my thirteen year old..who cares only about what HE cares about and everything else is stupid...*sigh* It is like he is on auto-pilot or something..."Hey!  Do you want to watch this movie with me?" "No, it's stupid." "Please clean your room." "That's stupid." "Please eat your carrots..""They're stupid.".."Is dessert stupid".."Yes..NO!".."That's what I thought."   Sometimes, I wonder if the disdain he seems to hold for...many things has to do with his awareness of how some people see him. He stims-he has trouble with verbal communication..often times he is dismissed. No, I don't believe that it is malicious..or even consciously intentional..but, It is as if his disability somehow lessens other peoples expectations of him-of his ability-of his person-hood.. excluding him. Yes, he is very different-yes, he doesn't "do" things the way most people do..but...*sigh*. If only I could change the world..presuming competence would be the norm.

My girls have been a whole other sort of angst fest...My oldest at eleven is trying to figure out all sorts of girl stuff..social stuff..It isn't easy.  a lot of her classmates are a year or more older than her-and at this age, a year is huge. I simply do not know how to help her. I'm just not good at this sort of thing. It isn't by accident that I live in an area where fleece is considered business wear..I mean some of my closest friends are chickens!  What do I know about girl things? .Although I suppose we could ask my youngest..When she isn't imitating her sister..she's telling her what to do..and how to do it. (this does go both ways between my girls) When my girls get along (which is most of the time) it is wonderful...but when they don't? It's misery...for everyone.  The yelling and slamming of doors-the gnashing of teeth!  Sometimes it is just...excessive..overwhelming..headache inducing?  Separate, they are so lovely and kind..Together? They are a force to be reckoned with-both good and bad..It is tiring. I can not tell you just how much I am looking forward to their adulthood..that is, of course- if I survive their adolescence. 

 I was on Facebook this morning where one of my friends had posted the status "You reap what you sow"..I find this sentiment rolling around in my head as I write this post. My kids are my everything and then some. They are the reason I get up in the morning..and sometimes...alright, a lot of the time- the reason that I can't sleep at night. It's just plain hard watching them grow up. But, I look at how far they have come-and how much they have grown and I think "so far- sown good".I know-bad pun. I bet you that my chicken friends would like it..