Work in progress...

~"Worry..Worry, Worry, Worry. 

Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone."~ Ray Lamontagne

            .

watching the dolphins at Fort Popham

  I have been having trouble writing.  It's not that I don't have anything to say-I do..I ALWAYS do..It is just that finding the words to explain all that has happened..IS happening..it's hard. Most things are great-some, not so much.. Life has gotten a tad bit...insane...intense...complicated. After many weeks of searching..interviewing..resume sharing..starts and stops I have finally become gainfully employed.  Well, maybe "finally" isn't quite the right word. I actually have been hired by a number of places.  Places that had "lots of work" in my area...only to find that after accepting various positions, and training for specific jobs...well, it went a lot like this..

  
Employer-We think you would be a wonderful asset to our company! 

Me-Great!

Employer-We'd like to have you come in for training as soon as possible!
Me-O.K.!


Off I would scamper..bright eyed and bushy tailed to be "trained"...or in other words-watch a video from 1985 on the correct way to interact with clients...i.e. if they ask you for a date-say no...Don't show up to a clients house drunk or scantily clad...and by all means-leave your children home. I'll admit-it made me laugh the first three times that I saw it...but after five?  I was starting to wonder..have people ever actually shown up at a clients door, drunk, wearing nothing but a a boa..with their kids in tow?."Mama's here for your therapy!"...*hic*
 I mean-there had to be a reason these videos were made.....and then I thought...well,maybe I just  wasn't aiming high enough in the job market?... and then I thought..well..maybe I should get more experience before I look for something  different..So, I'd accept the job, go to the training...

                              And then- few days later....

"Ring Ring"
Me-"Hello."
Employer-"Hi Kathleen!  We have a job for you!"
Me-"Great!...tell me about it.." (I'd eagerly have pen and paper at the ready)
Employer-"Well..it involves taking this boy to swimming lessons on Wednesdays.."
Me-"O.K great!...what else?" 
Employer-"That's all!"
Me-"So...I swim with him...?"
Employer-"Oh no! (chuckle) You don't have to do that!! you just pick him up from his house and take him to his lesson and then drive him home,,,"
Me-"that's.......it?"
Employer-"Yes..oh, and it's in (names town eighty miles from home)..I hope that's o.k....and we don't pay mileage...or for driving time....You do have insurance-right? Can you start this week?!!"...

  I was readily becoming the best trained unemployed person in the world. 

  Until finally...I landed where I (hesitatingly) think that I belong..at least for now. I am working in an elementary school program for kids with developmental delays..autism..etc..kind of the same old same old(for me)..but wonderfully different-and with pay! It is an incredible place-filled with equally incredible people. In the eight weeks that I have been there, I have yet to hear an unkind word spoken against anyone by anyone at work..How wonderful is that? No drama..at least none of the ridiculous sort. The job is challenging, at times intense..but the people are dedicated and so supportive.  The kids are respected and loved. Everything is done with the utmost respect and care for them-for their needs. It's wonderful. I love that I am a part of it and I am doing my best to blend in...but..me being me...*sigh* I talk a lot..ask a lot questions..use a lot of words to say the simplest ideas..and the thing of it is..while I'm doing this..I am AWARE that I am doing this..and I just can't stop! In my head I"m telling myself "Just shut up! For the love of all things holy-Be Quiet!""..and yet...I simply... can not.  Alas...at fifty one, I am still a work in progress. 

  One of the great things about being gainfully employed is that it keeps me off-line.  Although I do miss many of my blogger friends..Have you been on Facebook lately? Yuck! Good lord what a mess...Oh if only those people expressing their RIGHT to "Freedom of speech" equally and as vehemently defended the idea of taking RESPONSIBILITY for their rights-and for what they say...it could be a different place...So..unless I have an interesting article or pictures to share or see or read...I'm going to stay away. The negativity was affecting me.  I find that I'm happier and better off without it-as are my kids. (I continue to be thankful that none of them are interested in having an account)

  It has been a little bit difficult trying to find my balance between working and being a Mama, . My youngest is struggling the most-and I, *sigh* am feeling guilty for that. There is  enormous anxiety.. she just plain misses having me around . I struggle with the idea of working with children-when my own need me. We are taking it a day at a time, Christmas break is coming up..and I am looking forward to just being there.Hanging out all day in our pajamas, and enjoying each others company.  Or at least that's my fantasy...because I know that within hours of our break starting...the girls will start fighting...the t.v. will be blaring...laundry will need doing..as well as cooking..cleaning...grocery shopping....I'm starting to think that my next real break will be when I am in a nursing home...where I will probably have difficulty because I will talk too much..and the staff will get annoyed...and I will continue trying to be a work in progress...