Birds, Bee's and Labels....and the police

                   ~"Until the day is night and night becomes the day---ALWAYS  
                       Until the trees and seas just up and fly away---ALWAYS 
                       Until the day that 8x8x8 is 4---ALWAYS 
                       Until the day that is the day that are no more 
                       Did you know that you're loved by somebody? 
                       Until the day the earth starts turning right to left---ALWAYS 
                       Until the earth just for the sun denies itself 
                       I'll be loving you forever"~ Stevie Wonder-AS






  

 I've never met someone as comfortable in their own skin as Oscar..someone who I sometimes think was born skinless.  Every sight, every sound, smell...touch...He felt it all and all at once. His early years weren't easy-it wasn't easy being him. Not at all.  Yet despite all of these struggles- here he is at thirteen-confident, loving-JOYFUL. He's really one of the best people that I know.

  Right now, he's a bit anxious about growing up. The realization that he is one day going to be an adult is worrying him.  Me too.  But..for different reasons. He likes life the way that it is. Who wouldn't? He's fed, clothed..he has an unlimited supply of YouTube videos to watch.  The idea of any of that changing bothers him. I on the other hand-worry about how the world is going to treat him. He's a great person-but, will people take the time to recognize that? Or..will they just see his stimming..judge him by his interesting language..label him? The thought of that really bothers me. But then-I look at him..at who he is...and I realize...Oscar doesn't give a crap.  He really doesn't. He is who he is-no excuses..no apologies.  He is comfortable in being himself-and he isn't going to spend time worrying about what other people think. He knows he's a good person..and really, isn't that all that counts?  He will make his own label. I need to trust that.

  So, now have two teenagers...and two girls who sometimes think that they are thirty five. It certainly makes for some interesting times at Chez Herd.  Interesting indeed! For the most part, it is kind of fun.  I am definitely not one of those parents that mourns babyhood. No, I think that I would prefer children to be born potty trained and with the inherent knowledge of where they had left their shoes. To me-puberty, growing up..they are all signs that one day I will be able to use the bathroom uninterrupted. Sure we have had some bumps along the way..my boys are spreading their wings..and sometimes they eat and mumble more than they talk(usually at the same time) But, that's just part of the age. We'll ride it through....Or at least try..I have to admit, their have been a couple of things that have left me...wondering.

  Today, one of my kids came home VERY UPSET. "I had a HORRIBLE day at school!".."Why?  What happened?" "I..*gulp* FAILED PUBERTY!"  "WHAT?!"  "*sob* I failed the puberty test!"  "What do you mean-you failed the puberty test-what kind of test??"  "It means I got the questions wrong!" .."And?".."It means I failed puberty!" " *sputter* What do you mean -you failed puberty? " "I don't know I just failed!".."So...what?-you're not allowed to grow breasts now?  Quick!  Alert the puberty police! There will be no changes happening until you pass your test! ?..Really?." "*laughs*..No..I guess not..I just hate that stupid class..I KNOW what's going to happen..I thought I had answered the questions right.".."O.K...well...we have books-right?" "Right".."And we've talked about all the body stuff-right?"  "Right.".."And you know that I will always talk to you about ANY questions that you have...right?" "Right.".."And you know that your body is changing-like it or not-and that nothing is going to stop that...right?".."Right.".."So don't worry about it...because, no matter what-you CAN NOT fail puberty!"

  I understand the intention behind a class in puberty-I do. There are some families that don't discuss these things..either they aren't comfortable (like I am?) or they just don't bother. Kids need to know this stuff.  But, they are kids (10-11 year olds). Some of them (like mine) just aren't comfortable discussing these things at school. It isn't like I haven't taught them. I have had to.  During the baby years-my house was more a nudist colony (kids not me!) than anything else.  None of them really cared for clothes. Since I have both boys and girls-they noticed the differences early on.."Hey Mama! He's got an elephant trunk!"  Plus, I had my own interesting (read last post) upbringing..So I have made sure that they have known everything they should know..geared of course to their ages..There will be no puberty failure!

  Many years ago..back when the boys were babies (and the girls were just a twinkle) we lived in a house tucked in to the woods. I remember one very hot summer day, I had come home from the market overheated and sweaty...So,.after getting out of the car, I walked to our pool, took off my clothes and jumped in. It felt wonderful! As I was getting out of the pool..Omar teasingly said-"I hope our neighbors didn't see you-they might call the police!" I laughed it off and went in the house to get dressed...about ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door...It WAS the police! I FREAKED out! "How could anyone have seen me! We live in the middle of the woods!"..Omar opened the door and the officer said.."I'm just here making sure that your dogs are licensed.."..PSHEW! Talk about coincidence! Or close calls...Imagine if he had arrived ten minutes earlier?!  He might have been offended! He might have gotten an eyeful....or not...*sigh* He may have been forced to call the *sigh*...puberty police..

  Anyway-back to the beginning..Oscar is thirteen! We could not be prouder of the person that he is-of the adult that he is becoming. I now have two teenagers -AND two thirty five year old little girls...it's an adventure for sure, but we are enjoying the ride...while anxiously awaiting the day that I can take a shower without someone knocking on the door.




 If you get a chance-give a listen to this song. I think it is so very beautiful-and totally expresses what we feel for our herd...enjoy..

Euphem-isn'ts..STIMulating perspectives...

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are"

Anais Nin

"It's not what you're looking at that matters, it's what you see"

Henry David Thoreau

I got a call from Oscar's occupational therapist last week. During the course of our conversation she said "I wanted to let you know, that in all my years of doing this, I never had a student as confident as he is." My Oscar-confident. How incredible is that? This boy of mine who stims and shakes and eeeeeee's is confident in who he is. It's true though. Watching Oscar walk down the halls of school, or in the store..he radiates such self esteem. The entire school knows him. He is the boy who addresses everyone by name, notices new shoes, new haircuts..outfits..and he always has something to say about it. He is also the boy who has trouble with pragmatic language. His conversation is limited. He is more inclined to repeat funny words and phrases instead of answering questions.

"Hi Oscar, how was school?" "..good..MAMA! say-grey stuffed animals nose!" "Did you do anything special today?" "Say it Mama! Grey stuffed animals nose.."

"sigh...grey stuffed animals nose..did you have library today?" "HAHAHAHAHAHAH! grey stuffed animals nose! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "Oscar! Did you have library today??!" "It's funny Mama." "I know it's funny, but I'm trying to ask you a question...did you have library?"

"(whispered) grey stuffed animals...Yes! I had library!...nose nose nose..." Off he goes to find more things to laugh at via youtube..(the source of said grey stuffed animal and nose)

His stimming and lack of conversational skills don't stop him from having friends, being invited to birthday parties, or even asked to play. It is his confidence and joyfulness that draw people to him. He is a terrific kid, and people see that. Right now, we live in a very small community and he is insulated from much of the worlds prejudices. I get that. I know that his behaviors aren't always going to be so easily dismissed, so readily accepted. We are working on them at his own pace, not mine. He knows that public stimming, shaking and eeing are not always going to be acceptable. That people will look and that is all that they will see-not bothering to acknowledge the person behind them. He gets that. He really does, and he is working very hard to find ways to cope in public. At home-all bets are off. It is stim central, and that is just fine. Home should be that way. Home is where the "eeee" is.

The idea behind this post today was to talk about perspective. When I got the call last week from Oscar's o.t. it was great. I love hearing good things about my kids. The o.t. had even gone on to say "Oscars confidence and self esteem are a testament to your parenting" Normally, I shy away from parenting compliments. They make me uncomfortable. I make far too many mistakes on a daily basis to bask in the glow of praise. Parenting is parenting. I don't deserve any more credit than any other parent-special needs kids or not. In other words...I'm just doing my job. Today though, I am going to take that compliment and wear it like a mantle.

I was over at AoA (because Kim Wombles made me go look) and I read a piece called "A mother's perspective: What is Autism." In it the mother describes her experience with autism as being-an empty suitcase, an empty guidebook, guilt, endless, a crisis,a war, loneliness, isolation, and a thief. http://www.ageofautism.com/2010/03/a-mothers-perspective-what-is-autism.html#more I would not have been surprised if she had included locusts and plagues.

Look, I'm not dismissing that she has had a hard time. I am not dismissing that her son struggles. Some of her descriptions of his behavior very much remind me of Oscar's first four years of life. Parenting isn't easy. But to call your son a saint and portray yourself as some kind of warrior is a huge mistake, and a disservice to all parents, and to all people with autism. He is your son, your child, a person-and you are his mother. There are no stronger descriptive needed. There is a big difference between looking at what you have as opposed to what you don't. Oscar is MY proof of that.

So today, when I ask him how school was and he says "slinky feet" or "stuffed animals nose"..or our old favorite "Farmers nipples!" I'm going to laugh right along with him. He'll let me know about school when he's ready to, and in his own time. I have absolute confidence that he will. Right now, I have only this one moment in time, and I am not going to waste it thinking about what could have been. It really is all in how you look at it. Oscar is here right now-and he is wonderful, and I am blessed. Carpe farmers nipples!