Ramblings of an overwhelmed mother who used to be a daughter....

"...All Cats are grey in in the dark"~John Heywood's  Book of Proverbs. (1546)

 





      You know I try and keep a positive attitude..try and find the good in every situation. We all have days when seemingly everything goes wrong..when no matter what you do-nothing goes according to plan .I have always thought that when life hands you lemons, you  make lemonade..or as T and L say- you get yourself  some tequila and salt and have yourself a party.  So I try-really I do.  But this past month or so..It just seems as though the weight of the world has been on my shoulders and no amount of tequila is going to help my spinning head.

  Anyone following me knows about my recent IEP woes..and my ongoing construction and my lack of a decent bathroom..Add to it-my car dying, my dogs getting fleas, Oscar discovering that bodily function jokes are a RIOT,  and all the kids getting a stomach bug- culminating with my daughter throwing up on my head-yes, my head! Let me tell you, it isn't a fashion statement I would recommend...All I wanted to do was jump back and yell "ick!ick! ick!" but I couldn't..because I'm the mom. I wanted to make her feel better..and really... what's a little vomit between family?..It was certainly a bonding moment-and I'm not talking about me and my daughter.  Sigh...sometimes it is hard to be the adult..sometimes I want to be a kid...sometimes I want MY mother...

  Last month marked the twenty third anniversary of my moms death.  She has been gone for half of my life...and yet her influence remains.  Sometimes I wonder what she would think of me now...of this life I have carved out for myself... She had a roaring sense of humor, but being a DEVOUT Irish Catholic, felt terribly guilty about it.   What would she think of my kids yelling out various words at the top of their lungs..usually having to do with the more private of the body parts?..My mother didn't have body parts..well with the exception of a chin up and ankles down.  Everything else was kept locked away somewhere...her closet I think. To her sex was for procreation NOT recreation.. She was an enigma.. an interesting mix of faith, intellect and humor..and I think she would have enjoyed what I have become.  I know she would have laughed to see me this way-her independent and strong willed daughter being brought low by fleas and inadequate plumbing. I think that she would have laughed with the kids..and would have put my current woes in perspective.   She would say "Stiff upper lip"... "Up Kerry!"..or some other odd thing, telling me to suck it up..move along..be strong..  My mom was not fond of big emotion.  It's crazy, but there are times that I can still hear her voice in my head ... After all these years..she still guides me.  Which makes me wonder what kind of impact do I have with my own kids...what will they remember?  That's just plain scary..

  Will they look back and remember a woman who yelled too much, misplaced everything, and threatened them with showing up at school in her pajamas?  A woman who overcompensated for her sheltered upbringing by being so explicit in teaching "the facts of life"( along with charts, diagrams and song)s that we all wanted to just sink into the floor? Will they still hear my voice?  What will it say?.  It certainly won't be "keep a stiff upper lip"..What is a stiff upper lip anyway?  Has anyone ever tried to keep one? It is an odd thing to try to do..and still, I don't know how it helps...unless it is to take your mind off of things because you are concentrating on keeping your upper lip..well...stiff. But that is besides the point.  My mother was so neat..and I'm just so messy.  

    Last night, I was lying on my bed pondering the past few weeks... The car problem is fixed, the fleas are dead, the IEP's dealt with, construction almost complete and a bathroom is on the horizon. The herd is once again healthy!   Things are looking up as they always do. Sometimes though, I need to just take a moment to  let it all go. So there I was- relaxing...when I felt my cat on my legs. Now, this isn't unusual.. he likes to hang out with me-especially when the kids aren't around.  The thing is..he was moving around too much....and after a long day of holding kids(or rather being hung on by kids)-I wanted a little of my own space. So I looked down-about to tell him to move off of me...when I realized...he was humping my leg.  My cat was humping my leg...with reckless abandon!. EEK!   In my shock (and horror) forgetting that my children were awake and could hear everything..I yelled "Holy crap the cat is humping my leg!!" sigh... My children being who they are...well, I know it is only a matter of time before they repeat that....probably at some inopportune moment..like anywhere other than home...  I just hope it doesn't stick....that these aren't the words they remember me by..that it isn't one of the phrases they hear in their heads as adults....sigh...stiff upper lip...