~"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't. " ~Barbara Kingsolver
Have you ever noticed that when you
I do have many fond memories-things that I like to look back on from time to time. It can be fun to reminisce..The thing of it is-with the kids that we have and the family that we are...we tend to spend more time thinking about the future. From the day they were born-we were always so focused on the next step-the next goal. Part of that is regular parenting-and part of that is parenting autistic kids. So for me-it isn't the growing up that makes me melancholy-it's the letting go. It is just so damn hard to let go.
A little over two years ago I wrote this post about Sam's first school dance..Tonight, it is Oscars turn. In fact, he is at the school dance as I write this post. I needed something to do with all the nervous energy that I have. Oscar is....he is just so very wonderful...and interesting and funny! But, he's also different. He stims and shakes...says odd things...laughs loudly to himself..is difficult to converse with. He is who he is...and to us-that is just fine. To the world? You and I both know the answer to that. Sometimes I worry that by letting him just be, we are setting him up for hurt and even sorrow. It burns my heart to have to think about these things-to think about him feeling them. He is exquisite-my golden boy..and I am afraid of the worlds tarnish.
I don't long for the early days of babyhood with him. But sometimes, I do wish that I could hold onto him just a little bit longer. If only to protect him from all the crap in the world. But I can't....more importantly, I won't. Oscar is who he is-and he is confident in that knowledge. Now it is my turn to be confident that my boy...this almost young man, will be o.k. It is my turn to be confident in him...and as hard as it is...to let go.
On our way to drop the boys off tonight..Sammy said "Don't worry Mama-I'll show him the ropes" Just like a big brother should. My boys are very close-so I know that it will be o.k. Still though-I'll just sit here and worry for the next three hours...is he having a good time? Talking to friends? Enjoying himself? Wanting to go home?...I hate not knowing....so here I am waiting...and pacing....hearing the "JEOPARDY!" theme song in my head...
Three hours later...
Apparently Oscar now has a girlfriend.
Why do I do this to myself?
I could really use a vacation ...alone.