~"If only I could change the world around me,
perhaps my truth won't one day become the end of me"~
Dan Pearce~Single Dad Laughing
"Have a good time" I said as Oscar got out of the car. "O.K."...I watched him make his way towards the school...talking to himself..arms waving, his fingers wiggling in front of his eyes. I stopped from calling him back..I watched him stim away and I stopped myself. Chanting the mantra of the moment "just breathe...he will be o.k...just breathe.."
Oscar stims because he does. I used to ask him "why?"..and the answers were varied and sometimes interesting...or funny. Now though, with the rare occasion of checking in..of making sure all is o.k...I let him be. He is older -an almost young man, and I have to accept..to respect that his reasons are his own. But sometimes...seeing him and seeing him in the world as it is- makes my stomach bottom out..
I was ten different kinds of worried driving him to the dance tonight. Yes, I knew it was his choice to go..He wanted to. And he has gone to dances before-but, he has always had his brother by his side. It never bothered me(too much) because I figured that they would look out for each other. But, this year, Sam is in high school..which leaves Oscar in the middle school..alone. This evening, for the first time EVER-I left him..to fend for himself-by himself...and I was a bit of a mess over it. Oscar however, was fine.
I left him-not because I wanted to (hell no!) but because he asked me to. He walked in stimming and eeeing..because that is (in part) who he is. Sometimes, I forget the plain beauty of that. That this almost young man, who is so very different from the people around him, is also- so very comfortable in being who he is. I get so wrapped up in worrying about how the world views him, that I forget to acknowledge how he views himself. I forget to look at him through his eyes. Although, even when I do remember my forgetfulness...I still worry... Does being a mother ever get easier?!!?
Yes, I know-I really didn't have to worry. But I did-because in my universe-if I don't worry..and fret...and get anxious..if I instead, get all confident and cocky-thinking that all is going to be just super...everything invariably plummets downhill into a whole heap of awful things and unfortunate outcomes. That is just the way it works. So..I see my worry as a kind of duty-a service even. Perhaps one day I will be thanked for it-or tranquilized. Either way works for me.
So...about an hour after the dance started...Oscar called-he wanted to be picked up. He'd had enough. "Did you have a good time?" "Yes.".."What did you do? "I ate cookies." "Did you say hi to anyone?" "Yes, I said hi." "Then what did you do?" "I called you to come home." "O.K." "Hey Mama.." "Yes?"
"Those cookies at the dance....they don't count as dessert." .."huh." "The cookies at the dance were NOT dessert." .."?" .."I STILL get to have my dessert...right?"... "Oh!..yes...go ahead...No worries."..right. *sigh*