Responsibility's A Mother..

~"Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others"~Virginia Woolf

     

      Back in April, Lily had every intention of writing a post for my blog.

"I want to write a post like Sammy did! " "Sure.  What are you going to write about?" "I don't like that people think that Oscar is weird.  He's a great guy!" 
 "That he is."
 "I know-right?..So I think I will talk about that." 
 "That sounds great. Let me know when you have something." 
"O.k. Mama."
Obviously, she hasn't gotten it done yet..and really?  That's o.k. She's got other things on her mind..bigger fish to fry.   Middle school is on the horizon-and she's restless. It is so hard to be ten.  Part of her hangs..clings..desperately grasps on to childhood-tooth and nail, while the other part is yearning-EAGERLY yearning- to be a full fledged adult where no one can tell you what to do.  She's stuck between a rock and her mother.  I haven't told her yet that there are ALWAYS going to be people willing-eager even, to tell you what to do. The only perk you get as an adult is choice-and even that is questionable. .Sometimes I want to tell her in a soothing yet understanding voice, as I smile benevolently upon her,stroking her hair "Growing up is hard"...but on the inside-there would be a shrieking almost maniacal voice screaming-"Being a grown up is even harder. DON'T DO IT!-RUN!!" ..*sigh* But that wouldn't be very responsible of me now-would it?

  I fully admit it-I just do not like responsibility. Oh, there was a time when I liked it just fine..  Getting my first apartment, holding a job-deciding what and when I wanted to do things. It was glorious! ..Yup, that is when me and responsibility were close-tight-friends even!  But then, I had kids...and instead of being this quirky kind of fun pal-responsibility took over-fully enveloping me (kind of like a straight jacket) to the point of me not knowing where I ended and responsibility began. I didn't notice it at first.  I was so busy with the care, feeding and growing up of my four kids-that I wasn't really paying attention. Responsibility took me down-and I didn't even notice! But, now that they're older...well... We've been at odds with each other-Me and responsibility.  Arguing back and forth..pushing against each other in some sort of grand pissing match that for now-it always wins.

."I don't want to go to the IEP meeting!" (if my brain had feet they would be stomping) Responsibility ( Sounding-oddly enough, a lot like Patrick Stewart) will say.."But if you don't go-how can you be sure that they will get all that they need?" "FINE! I'll Go."

"I don't feeeeel like doing the laundry, walking the dog, grocery shopping, paying the mortgage..I'll do them later!!!" "You always say that, and then stress out when the laundry piles up, the dog poops on the floor, the kids run out of snacks, and the mortgage company adds a late fee..."  "Fine(stomp) I'll do it now." 

"Oh crap..I really really DON'T WANT TO go to her first (or any) therapy appointment with her! No! I am NOT going! "But you know how important it is to get her the help she needs." "But she doesn't need me there to get help!" "You know that she does." "UGGGGGGG..you know he's gonna gently point out (in soft tones and psychobabble) the massive mistakes I've made!" "Probably." (yeah,sometimes responsibility can be a douche)

  Like Lily, I'm feeling restless..ready for the next big thing, chomping at the bit-all the while clinging to what I know-yet fighting it at the same time. The ground is shifting and I don't know where to put my feet. *sigh*  I have got a big case of "I.M.S." (irritable mother syndrome). Sometimes , when I'm still...I fantasize about running away from home-"Due to her sudden disappearance, the role of "Mama" will be played by (insert name here)..But then something happens...one of the kids will come rushing in to announce something exciting or wonderful -so exuberant to share it-and it HAS to be with me-ME!..Or Oscar will walk by and brush his lips across the top of my head for no reason other than love.  These delicious tiny moments that I would not-could not trade for anything-.They keep me steady..and responsible...even when I don't really care for the responsibility of it all..

"Sometimes I find it really hard to like you, Responsibility!" "That's o.k., I'll ALWAYS look out for you anyway, Kathleen." "Oh- shut up!"  "No."..."You know, you aren't always going to win! The kids are going to get older-You won't always be able to tell me what to do!" "We'll see." "Yes we will! You just wait!  When I'm eighty-I'm buying myself a Harley..what are you going to do then?" "Keep you company while you wait for your broken hip to heal." *sigh*....