Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Oh Mother...

I was driving home from the market yesterday, blessedly alone...When the song "Y.M.C.A." by the Village People came on the radio. It made me think of my mother. I had always found it funny that she, a devout catholic had liked that song. I think that she actually believed it was a catchy tune about the benefits of staying at the "Y"-which it was-though not quite in the way she thought....I find it odd, my mom has been dead for almost half of my life-and yet I am still so aware of her influence on me.. Mothers are powerful people. As I look at my herd, I wonder, how much of what I say and do will affect them. I wonder, what it is about me, that they will carry forward with them into adulthood? I hope it's my sense of humor.

Lately, two of my herd have been overly interested in death. Oscar in particular. He is having trouble understanding the concept-and as it was mothers day, he wanted to know what had happened to mine.

Oscar-"Where's your mom?"

Me-"She died a long time ago"

Oscar-"Where did she die?"

Me-"Where? do you mean how?"

Oscar-"Did she leave?"

Me-"her body didn't work anymore-it was very it stopped"

Oscar-"SICK??? will she get better"

Me-"No honey, she's done with her body"

Oscar-"DONE!!! Where did she go?"

Me-"...I don't know...are you worried about me leaving?"

Oscar-"No, your mom is dead... can I have a snack?"

Me-"Are you sure you're not worried?"


I'm not going to stress myself out too much about it. Death IS a hard concept to explain. I am though, quite amused by all of the "death scenes" that both Oscar and Zoe have been staging. I'll just happen to be walking through the living room, and there will be Oscar, lying on his back-hands folded over his chest and his eyes closed. "What are you doing bud?... "just being dead""O.K. have fun-dinner is in fifteen minutes"...O.K. mama." With Zoe, it's a little bit different. "Zoe, I need for you to go find your juice cup" She will then throw herself on the floor and say "Zoe isn't here-she's dead"..."O.K., when you are done being dead, go and find your juice cup please."

It would be so much easier if kids came with there own instruction books. There are days when I think that I am doing a decent job raising my herd-and then there are days where I doubt everything. If there were such thing as a "mother report card", I think that I would do o.k.- a couple of "A's",mostly "B's". Although, I know that in the comment section it would state "doesn't play well with the other mothers" I don't know what it is-my methods, my humor-it just seems to put some mothers off. Especially, when I talk about autism.

Autism is a big part of our lives, but it is not our whole life. Yes, there are certain things that we have to do in order for our boys to feel safe and comfortable . There are routines that we follow-steps that we take to create the best possible atmosphere for them to learn and grow. The rest of the time...I just let them be. I don't worry that they only eat about five different things-because for the most part, those five things are healthy. I don't structure their play time-I don't fill every moment of their day with activities. They may be on the spectrum-but they are kids first and foremost. They need to play, ride their bikes, dig holes in the dirt, invent their own games-and if they need to flap and stim at the same time-so be it! They are learning what is and what is not appropriate through that freedom.. The world is always changing, and they have to figure out how to bend with it-or at least wiggle a little. I am not always going to be around to guide them. Part of my job is teaching them how to guide themselves. My methods might be different, but it doesn't make them wrong. ( my goodness! the reactions I got when I told some parents that I had (with permission) flapped and eeeed alongside my son-I wanted to know what it felt like-to better understand.)

I have four very unique and amazing children. I am so proud of all of them. I look at my boys and see such growth-especially in the wake of the grim prognosis we had been given for them. I have such joy...and much hope. My wish is for them to look back one day and recognize that they have always been cherished and loved-thoroughly and unconditionally. Having a sense of humor wouldn't be bad either.


denise said...

Are the 'other mothers' mothers of NT kids or autistc kids? I have to be honest here-in real life, I avoid mothers of autistic kids like the plague :)Only reason I talk to you is 'cuz I met you on a "not crazy" site!

Scarlett has a boy at school whom she is friends with, and the boys mother has suggested that we take the kids to the park sometime, and I am nervous as hell about it. I just dread sitting there and hearing her say something crazy! She could be sane, but really, who knows?

Mother's of nt's I find easy to get along with-as easily as I get along with any woman I suppose, I'm more of a 'man's girl'. But the older I get and the fatter I get, the nicer other women are to me, hehe.

I'm especially lucky that my best friend has kids the same ages of mine-we met when we were pregnat. She has a third child as well, a seven year old.She has never asked me stupid questions, or felt sorry for me, or wondered "How I do it."-bleh,I HATE that question.That's the only thing that NT moms say that gets on my nerves-but I know their hearts in the right place, so I set them straight nicely :)

I don't know why people give you weird looks for admitting to flapping! I think EVERY mom should try her kids stims and see what they feel like-except hitting yourself in the head. That, I have refused to do. And I am on Scarlett about it constantly.

kathleen said...

Thanks Denise-(you are so funny)it is autism moms...the N.T. moms I see at school functions,are friendly ..I hate the "how do you do it" question as well-although with them(N.T. moms) it is because I have four kids.. But the autism moms-sheesh! The stimming thing really upset a few of them..The eating thing as well. (I am just happy my kids eat!)I don't know, they give me the impression that I should be having a discussion group about it and emoting-you know tears streaming down my face etc. I just don't get it-..Yes, I take stimming only so far as well-I REFUSE to pull out my eyelashes-or head bang...unless appropriate music is on. :)