Friday, July 13, 2012

This mutter abhors a vacuum...OR..These hips don't die..

~"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time"~
Stephen Wright

 It was at least 93 degrees in my hair was plastered to my head from the sweat that was pouring down (and slowly pooling to the bottom of the very cumbersome air cast I was imprisoned wearing) my body. I was in a mood...a tizzy if you will.  Why?..Well, it would seem that during my forced non weight bearing rest convalescence children, lovely beings that they are..kind of ran amokdestroyed got a little out of control with their toys, games, books,little pieces of paper, clothes, and sharp pointy objects in our house.  They were everywhere.. although mostly on the floor where my poor recovering foot was bound to step on them. (especially the sharp pointy objects)  I was hot, I was tired..I may even have been a little bit cranky.

"WHAT HAPPENED DOWN HERE??!! IT LOOKS LIKE A BOMB EXPLODED! YOU ALL NEED TO STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND CLEAN UP!! I AM NOT Going to clean this up!! I want everything picked up off of the floor..and either put away where it belongs or I am going to THROW IT OUT!!  Yes-I used the old "going to throw it out "strategy.  I don't use it often-but when I do, they know that I mean business...and generally hop to it...And hop to it they did....all of them...with the exception of Oscar. He remained sitting in front of the computer.  "OSCAR!!...why aren't you helping?"  "I'm lazy."..."LAZY??!!" .."Yeah.."  "OH..I think NOT!! You will get your butt off of that chair and help your brothers and sisters NOW!!!" (imagine that said in the voice of Satan...or James Earl Jones)  I think that my eyes had turned red...and I had sprouted fangs..because, with a look of terror, he shot up out of that chair and into action.

  My house became a hive of activity..a frenzy of frightened children industriously working to save their beloved toys..tiny bits of paper and sharp pointy things..It was beautiful for the three minutes that it lasted.
"Mama..can I vacuum?" "No! I want to!" "You got to last time!" "It's my turn!"  *growl* "You can ALL take a turn." "I want to go first!" "NO ME!" .."I don't care who goes first! You figure it out! Just DO IT!!"(I believe that at this point, flames were shooting out of my nostrils -again, imagine the voice of Satan or James)  I had to walk away before I said something I would later regret-something I would not be able to take back..So,I hobbled away muttering about vacuums and irony..Not too long ago,  I could not vacuum when some of the kids were home. Noise is a sensory issue-and they did not like it.Not one bit. They would scream, cover their ears...hide.  They just could not handle the sound. I did a lot of stealth vacuuming back then. Now, for whatever reason(I don't know) they all ADORE the vacuum. They fight over it, stand on it..drag it around...lose all the attachments. Vacuuming to them-is a real treat.  The problem is-they suck more than the vacuum does. No, really...the way that they vacuum could be studied by scientists...researched in laboratories. If you were to give any of my children a vacuum and a hair and paper covered rug..they would all proceed to vacuum only a two foot strip of carpet.  No more no less..AND if they are taking turns with vacuum duty-they will each only vacuum the same exact two foot section. Not only that! Afterwards..*sigh* afterwards,they will all stand around and congratulate themselves on a job well done.

  Now on this particular day, as I was chipping jelly off of the bathroom sink (don't ask) hopping around in a sweat soaked cast- muttering to myself(all sorts of things-but mostly "stupid *&%* cast") I happened to hear them  They had just completed vacuuming and were in the "pat themselves on the back for a job well done" stage.
  "Boy that was hard work" (hard work?! are you freaking kidding me-I muttered)
 "Phew, I'm really tired out."
 "I'm pooped!"
 "I'm really thirsty after all that." (ALL WHAT? I muttered...)
 "Yeah, I could use a drink."
 "Lets all get something to drink and sit down."
 So-as they served themselves nice cold drinks...I continued to mutter..and grumble..and sweat...,",stupid &*#@$# cast"..".two feet of carpet"..."get off of my lawn! " Well...maybe not the lawn thing..But, I was so hot and tired-I might as well have been that old lady yelling at the kids in her neighborhood. There I was, working myself up into a terrific frenzy of sweat and muttering,,,when they came into the bathroom.
."Here Mama, we thought you could use this."   (They had brought me a cup of warm tap water.)
 "Why don't you sit down, you have been working too hard."
Now I suppose this is the part where I am supposed to say that it was the best drink I ever had. That we all hugged and realized the importance of family..Not so much..C'mon! It was warm tap water!!..But it did make me stop for a minute...cease my muttering...calm myself down. I did appreciate it!  Which I suppose was the point of their offering.  The house got cleaned(and has mostly stayed that way-although my feet still find pointy objects here and there)..the cast came off..things are alright. Sometimes I forget how things like me wearing a cast affect them. I'm the mom-to them I am infallible(at least till the girls are teenagers)..if I am sick or off of my feet-it rocks their world.  It's something I need to work on...But in the mean time..

I posted this picture on Facebook. It was my way of saying "Look-I'm doing great! The cast is off! YAY!"
We had a great time.  I had always wanted a slip and slide as a kid-so I got one as an adult..and it was as fun as I had imagined. Great right?  Well-I certainly did NOT expect the public scolding I received!  So many people saying "You don't want to wind up in a cast again!" or "Should you be doing that?" The worst was..."At your age(I'm 48), it's easy to break a have to watch out for arms, ankles and hips."  HIPS?????  Holy crap!  

You know, I spent from my mid thirties to my mid forties either having children-or potty training them...and all the necessary things in between. I absolutely refuse to go from fertile to decrepit in 13 years! REFUSE.  Funny-no one seems to be concerned that I might "break a hip" cleaning the house!  Good lord!  Besides, if I start worrying about my hips...then they will worry about my hips...and then they will worry about their own hips..and before you know it we will sound like a support group for the 80+ set...

  My kids are finally at an age where they can ALL participate...whether it be vacuuming or playing on a slip and slide.  It's my job to push them into the world.. Some of my kids have a hard time with that. They are afraid to try new step out of where they are comfortable. How can I ask them to do something-if I don't set an example? I am trying to teach them to navigate a very confusing world...from how to handle money-to doing there own laundry. So, if I should happen to throw in some fun things-that is just icing on the cake.

  On Monday, we are going zip lining. If I should (heavens forbid!) happen to break a be it.  At least I am assured that there will be two feet of carpet I can rest pointy things be damned!


Looking for Blue Sky said...

My son tells me he's lazy too and I'm starting to think about actually becoming the mean mummy that he thinks I am! Enjoy the zip-lining, my 50 year old hips would love to have a go :)

jazzygal said...

You need to use that James voice regularly. And can you PLEASE teach me how to do it?!! My, you are having a tough time with that poor foot of yours but I'm with you on this. NO WAY are you decrepit. 50 is the new 40, haven't you heard...and you're not quite there yet ;-)

xx Jazzy

Stephanie said...

Okay, you, my dear, are NOT old!!! So, REFUSE AWAY!!! There's a fine line between taking care and being paranoid. Personally, I tend to straddle that line, always have, just ask my mom. But not going on a slip n' slide for fear of breaking a bone--let's reserve that for people with osteoporouses or other brittle bone diseases, which has nothing to do with age or dropping things on one's appendages and thus breaking them. Thank you very much.

(However, I must ask: Why would you want to slam your body into the ground to go shooting down a wet piece of plastic?)

(Also, understanding that I tend towards caution, zip lining isn't nearly as much fun as it sounds, especially if the line is close enough to the ground for dragging of said appendages to be involved, so if it's not too late, I would highly recommend making sure the zip line is sufficiently in the air for there to be no dragging and also make sure that the place you stop is somewhat cushioned so you don't slam into a tree--which is never as much fun as it sounds and really doesn't sound like fun in the first place.)

Good luck! Have fun! Save being old for when you have great grandchildren, and hopefully that's later than sooner.

kathleen said...

@ Looking for blue sky-Mean works...sometimes. Zip lining was WONDERFUL!!!

@Jazzygirl-thanks! If I ever make it to Ireland..I will be sure to pop by and teach you the voice!

@Stephanie-I used a big tube and slammed that on the piece of plastic! It was so much fun. The zipline was 40 feet chance of dragging feet. although I have to say-I had a bit of mind body disconnect. Somehow just walking off of a platform into thin air makes no sense!! I really had to give myself a pep talk-AND let go of the pole that I was desperately clinging too. But I did it! More than once! I really really enjoyed myself...two of the herd? Not so much. Panic ensued...they didn't do it. Which is fine. But (I of course didn't say this) they really missed out!!

Stephanie said...

Yeah, walking off a platform into nothing--makes no sense. My feet prefer the illusion of touching the ground. Even if the "ground" is part of an airplane or a high rise.

But I'm glad you had fun! That's what really matters.