Can Will Does..

"Veni, Vidi, Vici"

Julius Caesar



I didn't know just how determined he was. I should have suspected something seeing as how he was fully dressed when I came downstairs this morning. Sammy is a slow starter in the morning-a really slow starter. Frozen molasses runs faster than he does. So I should have noticed that he was up, dressed and ready to go...or at least commented on it. But, I had things to do. Sammy had a basketball game, and getting everyone dressed, fed, and out the door takes monumental effort-and at least two cups of coffee. Sometimes more..o.k. actually most times more.


Sammy plays on one of his school basketball teams. It is actually a nice set up. There are about six co-ed teams of third through fifth graders. The focus is primarily on teaching the game rather than on competition. They practice once a week and every Saturday there is a game. Today was the last game of the season. So I was pretty happy...alright, I admit it..I was thrilled. Monday through Friday I rush every morning to get them out the door and onto the bus. Do they have hats, jackets, snow pants, lunch, backpacks, clean faces... sigh..it's always rush rush rush...So the idea of getting back one of the mornings where I don't have to do anything.. well...it's thrilling.

This is Sammy's third year of playing for a team. Sadly, it will probably be his last. Next year, in sixth grade they hold try-outs...and I don't think he'll make a team. He has some large motor skills issues. Although he is a speed demon on his bicycle..running and dribbling a ball is very challenging to him. He doesn't life his feet off the ground when he runs..add a basketball and the results are..well, he struggles. Don't get me wrong-he has improved immensely since third grade. The first year he played, if he saw one of is friends on the opposing team, he would stop to hug them. The second year, anytime he got the ball, he would break down laughing in the middle of the court. This year though... this year he was different. He was focused. He concentrated on defending his basket, and in passing the ball. In fact the minute he got the ball, he would pass it- immediately. My Sammy is tough, but he isn't aggressive. For him, I think it was more about just playing and being part of a team, rather than scoring. Until today that is.



Today he was driven..like a dog with a bone. Come hell or high water, he was going to score. And nothing was going to get in his way. First quarter-Sammy gets the ball..there is no room to move..he is so focused, so set on shooting..he bounces the ball with both hands and walks three feet to the basket..and shoots! and misses..He looks at me-I give him a thumbs up. Second quarter, he gets the ball..he shoots! he misses..it rebounds off the backboard, he grabs the ball he shoots! he misses..He looks at me, I give him a thumbs up. Third quarter..he's fouled, goes to the line..he shoots! he misses...he gets fouled again he shoots! he misses..he gets passed the ball..he shoots! he misses..he gets passed the ball again..he shoots! he misses..My boy must have attempted to score at least twenty times..and every time, he looks at me, and every time I give him a thumbs up...by now everyone has noticed..and is rooting for him...his team mates..the opposite team..the audience..everyone wants him to score. His determination is contagious..The tension was palpable..(I was a wreck) I don't think that there was a person there that wasn't captivated. They can see how badly he wants this. How hard he is trying.. it is no longer about watching the game....or about disability...or the fact that my boy is autistic..it is about Sammy. It is about my boy wanting to make a basket. In the fourth quarter, with thirty seconds left in the game...his team mate gets the ball..he could have scored easily..gotten the glory..instead.. he passes it to Sammy..I hear him say in a matter of fact way.."You CAN do this Sammy"...as if it is no big deal...as if it is just a common every day thing..as if he expects no less. Sammy takes the ball..and shoots..in what felt like slow motion .. it goes up..up..and then ...Swish...nothing but net. Everyone cheers in excitement...and relief! My boy looks at me..he is shining.. I give him a thumbs up-(even though I wanted to rush down and grab him and hug him.-but a mother doesn't do that to an eleven year old boy, especially in public) he runs to finish the game with the rest of his team.


The cynical and jaded part of me could say "oh, how nice..yet another "autistic kid makes a basket..the crowd erupts" story. But that wasn't it at all. Sammy has been at this school since he was seven years old. He is an accepted part of his class. Those kids didn't pass him the ball because of his disabilities..but because he was part of the team. Sigh... Sometimes, I need to remove my sarcastic self from the picture. Because sometimes a game is just a game..and a kid is just a kid. Today my kid was determined. He came, he saw, he conquered because he can..he will and he does. How's that for awareness?

It's not easy being queen...

"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would

Kill you quicker if they didn't"

Barbara Kingsolver

I knew it would happen eventually. It was just a matter of time. The quiet routine of my family was bound to be disrupted. If there is one thing I have learned as a mother, it is not to take anything for granted. Things might be going along swimmingly for a time, and then all of a sudden-BAM! Something comes along that knocks you off kilter.



For eleven years, I have been the queen of the castle, the lord of the dance, the herder of the herd. My word was law. Oh sure, they might not like what I was saying, might not agree with me about cleaning up, going to bed, bathing and whether or not Pokemon was real. But they trusted my judgement..trusted me. I have been quite comfortable here on my throne. A little too comfortable. I wasn't paying attention..reading the signs.



A new group of parents have moved into town. I will never personally meet them-they are not welcome in my home. Oh, but they will try to get in anyway, to spread their influence. I remember meeting them when I was a kid. My parents didn't like them either. At the time, I could not understand why. I thought that they were great! I thought that they were wise. I thought that they could teach my parents a thing or two. I even invited them home, formally introduced them . My parents shunned them. It infuriated me! How could they be so mean.?Sigh...I understand now. After ruling the roost for eleven years, after working hard to establish a routine, a pattern..this group of unknown parents is trying to usurp me!



Sammy, has tried to bring them home a few times these past weeks. So far, I have thwarted their influence. "Mama?".."Yeah buddy?"..."Well...you know that show "Family Guy"?".."Yeeees?".."Well..you know how you won't let us watch it?"..."Um..yeah.." "Well..OTHER PARENTS let their kids watch!" ..."Sammy, come on we've talked about this..you're simply not exper...wait a second...who?".."OTHER PARENTS." ...Nooooooo!.."Mr. and Mrs. Other" have come to town. You all know them. Some of you may have already heard about them. Their influence is like a virus. They are the ones who never make their kids go to bed early, don't care if they eat healthy, let them watch anything on t.v., think firecrackers are great fun and that jumping off the roof is wonderful exercise. (The "other parents" that I knew as a kid..let their fourteen year old daughters attend rock concerts out of state with a group of college boys.) Have they no conscience? No boundaries?? Have they never been to the emergency room?



No. I can not let their disregard for manners and safety lure my children. If I concede, even if only once, they will take over! Infecting my children little by little until chaos reigns! I will not give in without a fight! So, I have come up with a plan....an anecdote. The last time Sammy decided to tell me what the "Other Parents" were allowing the "Other Kids" to do, I suggested that he invite those "Other Kids" over to the house. (I imagine they would be an unhealthy looking bunch....what with staying up round the clock living on popcorn and lemonade..not to mention riding their bikes all night long.) I told Sammy that they would probably be happy to come over to a welcoming house with healthy food and someone to look after them. I also told him how envious they would be seeing that he had a mother who took such good care of him. And about how lucky he was to be growing up healthy strong and very well rested. So far this tactic seems to be working. They haven't shown up yet. Then again, we have a house rule-no guests until I personally talk to the parents. It seems that "Other Parents" phone number is unlisted. I don't know what I'll do if that changes. But, so far so good...my kingdom is still intact.

And they're off!

"I got the boogie boogie in my socks"
Rickie Lee Jones
From "Woody and Dutch on the slow train to Peking"

The first day of school in my house is a cause for celebration. The anticipation, the excitement, the sheer exuberance of that day is wondrous. My kids seem pretty excited as well. They finally get to wear their new shoes-(I keep them hidden till the first day..otherwise they would have magically outgrown them or worn them out in the three days since they were bought) new backpacks (also hidden for fear they will be lost or buried in the sandbox) It's a new adventure but the same routine. So they handle it pretty well. For the first day or two at least, after that, all bets are off.

The first day went without a hitch. I woke up before the alarm went off-an amazing feat. We had lived for so many years with sleep deprivation, and now that the kids are sleeping a solid ten hours a night, AND are able to get up unsupervised by themselves...So, I had the luxury of sleeping in this past summer. (Of course what I got up to could be an adventure in spilled milk, cereal,and jelly smears...but it was worth it...and, when I say "sleeping in" I mean lying in bed awake listening to them, because besides being very noisy, they would often come and check to see if I was awake-"IS SHE AWAKE????"..."SHHH YOU"RE TO LOUD!" "I AM NOT-MAMA! SAMMY SAID I WAS TOO LOUD!!") So , on the first day of school, I was surprised to get up as early as I did. I think it was the silence that woke me.

It is nice to be able to enjoy my coffee in that quiet hour before the sun is up, or on this day-the quiet five minutes before my excited herd burst out of their beds. Although "excited" is an understatement. Frenzied..crazed..over stimulated.... Lets just say they were raring to go. "Mama! LOOK AT MY NEW SHOES!!!" "I see them honey, I remember the three hours it took to pick them out" "LOOK MAMA!! THE"HELLO KITTY" ON MY BACKPACK SPARKLES!!!!!" "Yes, I know..you showed me fifty seven times last night" and on it went for two hours until the bus came to take them AWAY!..I mean, the bus picked them up. I stood there as the bus pulled away, shell shocked....just stunned by the absolute quiet-it was deafening.

I spent the day as I said that I would. I listened to music-loud, I drank coffee, I even cleaned out the refrigerator-something that NEEDED to be done. There are people who collect souvenir's of their summer trips, little trinkets to remind them of all their good times...I had my refrigerator. There were the moldy burgers leftover from our first barbecue...half eaten apples from the day I decided to teach them how to make a pie..I even found the ice cream bar Zoe had lost. Sigh...some people have photo albums..I had old food. If only there were a way to save it-preserve it-so that we could take it out and look at it in years to come. "Look Sammy, here's the tuna sandwich with a tiny crumb bitten off-remember this? You swore that you wanted to try tuna, and that you would actually taste it? Remember how you put it in the fridge to save for later?..Maybe next time you could wrap it in something?" "Oh look Lily! I think it's the really expensive blueberries that you couldn't live without !! or is it the bag of raisins Zoe lost..or raisinettes?..Did we ever have a rabbit?" It could be fun.

It took the better part of the day to finish this task- I did take lots of coffee/music breaks. The kids were on their way home by the time I was done. I couldn't wait to see them! Ask them about their days..what did they do? How did they like it? I was so excited! I could hardly contain myself as the bus pulled up to the house...They all came running in "Mama, Mama! We're home!" "Hey! I really missed you guys! How was your day? Did you like it? How are your teachers?" Sammy said "No homework...can I have a snack?" Oscar said " It was good, can I go on the computer?" and my Lily (for whom this was the first time she was in school the full day) "I loved it...I don't know why I didn't do this years ago!" That's about as good as it gets in the description department. They seem happy. We'll see how it goes over the next few days. In the meantime, I'm thinking about cooking something special to commemorate their first week of school. You know, something to stick in the back of the refrigerator to remind me of this special time.

Itchy feet and wanderlust in the mid-life wasteland...

"Out here in the fields

I fight for my meals

I get my back into my living

I don't need to fight

to prove I'm right

I don't need to be forgiven"

From "Baba O'Riley" written by Pete Townshend

It has been a crazy hectic busy week. Always is the right before school starts. School supplies, shoes, clothes...getting the herd used to the idea of a changing schedule. As always, they all seem to have grown at least a foot. Sammy at almost eleven is about five inches shorter than me, and I am five feet five and a half inches tall. Oscar at eight is not too far behind him. Both of them wear size 7 shoes...in men's. I am going to have some very big boys in a few years. Hopefully by then, they will be willing to carry in the groceries...or better yet-Carry me! Oh I can see it now.."Mom? (they won't call me mama anymore-Sammy is already outgrowing it) can you make me lunch? I'm hungry." I'll just look at them and say "I can't go to the kitchen...my legs are tired...carry me." Oh the fun I'll have!

So many changes happening. My kids are growing up. This year I will have three of the four in school full time, and Zoe in a part time.( pre-school) I have fantasized about this day-when all of them were out of the house..when I could listen to music without one of them yelling "mama! turn that noise down!" when I could clean without someone following behind me and remaking the mess..when I could sit down and just think-my own thoughts. When the background noise was of my own choosing and not of Pokemon or caillou. Oh I am giddy with expectation!

Sigh...I know what's going to happen though. They will get on the bus that first day of school, and I will waltz into the house. I will put on music and start the cleaning..singing at the top of my lungs the whole time. I'll get done in record time because no one is around to interrupt me. There will be no one to ask for snacks or socks, no fighting..no laughter...no one asking to be picked up or for a hug. Just silence. I'll start to think..."I wonder how Oscar is doing?..I wonder if Sammy is feeling less stressed..How is Lily handling her first full day?...Zoe should be home in two hours..I hope she isn't too anxious, being away from me for the first time...she is so little..she is uncomfortable in large groups...I wonder if she needs me..and then I'll start to cry.

It's hard watching them grow up. For eleven years I have been the center of a small little universe...that revolved around me. Now their universe has expanded. I am being replaced by friends, school, activities...which is what is supposed to happen. My kids have worked very hard at trying to navigate their way around this world of ours. It has not been easy-but they have done it-because I asked. Now they are doing it because they want to. How incredible is that?
Sometimes it is just so hard getting what you wished for.

I know I still have years of getting snacks and finding books ahead of me. Years of fighting and laughter and hugs. You never do get to stop being a mom. It is just that for the first time, I am sensing the end of a chapter....and the beginning of another. One in which I am not the main focus...and I find that bittersweet. I am awed by all of my herds accomplishments. They are wonderful kids. I just seem to be finding myself at loose ends. I have itchy feet and wanderlust.
There are so many things I still want to do, adventures to be had, dreams to be fulfilled. Only I am finding myself caught in this mid-life wasteland. I am still very much needed at home, but to a much lessor degree. I have too much time on my hands but not enough time to do anything about it.

So on that first day of school, when I am done doing all the necessary things that make our house livable..I am going to sit myself down with a big cup of coffee..maybe do a little writing, do a little dreaming. I have my own next chapter to plan. I am certainly not going to waste my time crying. Besides, I have to dream up ways in which to torment my older kids! Lets see...I'll ask them to carry me because my legs are tired...maybe wake them up in the middle of the night because I'm lonely? I know! I'll throw a temper tantrum in the middle of the supermarket, right in the entrance, so they will have to carry me kicking and screaming out of the way...oh the possibilities are endless... There is no ending to possibility.

Getting my Oscar...

Every parent over time learns to decipher their children's cries..You know by the volume, the tone..

exactly how fast you need to get to them. Is it a "I fell of my bike and scraped my knee" cry? Or the more serious "My brother hit me in the nose with a snow shovel, and I definitely need to go to the E.R. because my face is gushing blood" cry. Thankfully, I have dealt more with the skinned knee sort of cry. (although the snow shovel incident did indeed happen) In fact, over time, I have gotten pretty good at knowing when to run and when to saunter. Except when it comes to Oscar. Out of all my kids, Oscar has aged me the most.

Oscar loves words. He loves mimicry, and he has quite the imagination. All wonderful things. My problem is, that he gets so caught up in the game that he is playing, he forgets that it is a game. So much that he can and often does convince me at times that he is in dire peril. "HELP MAMA!!! I'M STUCK!" There I go, running frantically.."Where are you!!! I'm coming!" Only to find him lying under one of the dining room chairs, perfectly capable of getting himself out. "Oscar, you scared me! I thought that you were really in trouble..you can't do that.." "OOPS, sorry Mama..I made a mistake. I was pretending I was Thomas and my tender got stuck." Sigh..I have come to loathe Thomas and all little his tank engine friends..

Oscar has a way with words. He didn't really start speaking in sentences until he was almost six. At eight, his expressive language can be a little confusing. Sometimes I am not always sure what exactly he is trying to tell me. He has a unique way of expressing himself. "Oh no, I don't have a tree for the squirrels!" "What?, what squirrels?" "I need a tree, a tree for the nest!""Oscar, what nest? What squirrels?" "EEEEEEEeeeeeeeee!" and off he runs. I come to find later that he was thinking about an episode of "Clifford the Big Red Dog" I guess it was about homeless squirrels? Aren't there better ways to teach kids about raising social consciousness? But that's just my opinion.

He tries so hard, my curly headed wonder boy. At the store, in the park, in the restroom, if there is a person there, Oscar will introduce himself and our entire family, depending on who is with him. (we are working on the restroom thing) If you are wearing a name-tag, that is an open invitation to Oscar. Yesterday, at the deli counter, a young man by the name of Jim P. happened to be waiting on us. "Hi Jim P., my name is Oscar. This is my brother Sammy, and my sisters Lily and Zoe, and my mom Mrs. Leopold." I won't be surprised if one day he starts giving out our social security numbers as well. I think it is his genuine sincerity that attracts people to him. We have never gotten strange looks, nor has Oscar ever been ignored. He genuinely wants to meet people. He is a joyful boy. So very very funny as well.

Oscar knows how to make me laugh. He has a wonderful sense of humor-and knows just how to use it. If I am in a bad mood, cranky or just overtired, Oscar never fails to get a laugh out of me. There I'll be pacing and muttering to myself..Oscar will look at me and say "MAmaaaaa?""What?".."MAAAAMAaaaaa?" heavy sigh.."WHAT Oscar?!!" " FARMERS NIPPLES! heeheee! Say it mama! Say FARMERS NIPPLES!" "NO! I'm not going to say that!" "What won't you say Mama?" "Farmers nipples" "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...mama said FARMERS NIPPLES! HAHAHAHA!" How can you not laugh?

He got me again the other day. There I was in the kitchen, when I hear "help mama! I'm stuck..only this time it was muffled. I casually looked around, thinking that maybe he was in the closet, or locked in the bathroom. I couldn't fine him. We had talked about places he wasn't allowed to get stuck-like refrigerators, car trunks..I was scared now..I could not find him-and he sounded desperate! I ran out the door...and there he was..he had indeed gotten himself stuck. He had somehow managed to squeeze his body into our cat carrier and couldn't get out. It took a load of patience and some strength, but ten minutes later, we managed to pull him free. "Oscar! please don't ever ever climb inside there again!" "Ooops, sorry Mama...I was just being stuck in a tunnel." sigh...I really don't like Thomas the tank engine.

Small time big change

"I want to ride to the ridge where the west commences
and gaze at the moon till I lose my senses
And I can't look at hovels and I can't stand fences
Don't fence me in."

Based on a poem by Robert Fletcher-revised and set to music by Cole Porter

My ten year old is anxious about moving away from home. Yes, at ten, my son is already worried about living on his own. The other night as I was bringing him up to bed, he tried to slip through the "short cut" a broken section of our banister that the kids climb through. He got stuck. "Hey buddy, you're getting too tall to slip through there" "I am not tall I am ten years old" "Yes, but you are a tall ten year old" "No I'm not! I am the size that a ten year old should be" "Sammy, You are almost as tall as me..I thought that you were happy about that" "No..I will never be as tall as you!" sigh.."Buddy, whats going on here...I thought you were happy that you were growing so tall." "I don't want to move out." "WHAT!!! who said anything about moving out?""You did Mama..you said that when I grew up I would move out and go to college" "Sammy,...buddy, I was talking about when you were older, when you graduated from high school...that maybe you would want to go to college..you're only in the fifth grade..that's a long time from now" "But you said when I grew up!" "Oh Sammy, I didn't just mean physically..I meant when you were done with high school and were ready to move out." The tears start welling up in his beautiful dark green eyes. It is like looking at Bambi..or 'Ol Yeller through the scope of a rifle before they were about to be shot..big liquid pools welling up under incredibly long eyelashes.."I won't ever (hiccup) be ready..." "Oh buddy...you don't ever have to leave me...no matter what, you always have a home with me and papa" "But will it be for real?"he said while one big fat tear rolls down his cheek.."What do you mean for real...?""Will I still be able to eat dinner with you and have snacks and live in my room..." At this point the fantasy I had of me and Omar holding hands and running on a beach somewhere is slowly fading..only to be replaced by visions of me at eighty five years of age still making snacks, still filling juice cups..all while riding a "rascal". "Yes bud, always for real."

Sammy doesn't not like change...not one bit, and with puberty starting to rear its head, he doesn't have much choice. Change is coming whether he likes it or not. He does his best to try and control it.."Mama, when I go to college, can Oscar come with me?" "We'll see bud, Oscar may have different ideas of what he wants to do".."But we can have bunk beds..and I can bring my castle.." " Well, you can bring your castle...although you might not be interested in it when it is time for college." "I will ALWAYS play with my castle!! ALWAYS! I will never NOT want to play with my castle" "Then bring your castle!" sigh..We have lots of conversations like this..I have learned to just let things go... There is no point in arguing..Sammy will get there in his own time..I know this by looking at all the changes that have happened.

There was a time that I thought I would forever be watching the same episode of the Teletubbies at three in the morning..the one with LaLa and the bunnies..,a time when I thought he was going to eat pizza three times a day for the rest of his life (we are down to twice a week),A time when I thought that he would never talk, use the potty, wear short sleeves in the summer, ride a bike, read, sing at a concert..and so much more. I look back at all those things and think does it really matter WHEN he did those things-or rather, that he did them. He just did it in his own time.

Time is a funny thing. When you are in the middle of a bad stretch, it seems to crawl..and when things are running smoothly it speeds up. I look back on all of Sammy's past struggles, and they seem so insignificant now that we are not in the midst of them. And yes, he still has many challenges ahead of him, but he has worked so hard and come so far. In his own way and at his own pace. He is an incredible boy.

This evening while the kids were riding their bikes up and down the driveway, Sammy came to me and said.."Mamma?...when are you going to let me ride my bike in the street?" "Sammy, you really need to be able to pay attention to cars and the road before I can let you do that" "But I'm almost eleven Mama!" Sigh...I have to laugh at my silliness....There I was thinking "When will you finally grow up!" and at the same time kicking myself wondering "When am I going to LET them grow up?"I guess change isn't always easy for anyone.

I do dream of a day when Omar and I can have some time together. ALONE. When my kids don't need us quite so much. I don't know what the future holds for any of them. The only thing I do know is that they will get there when they get there. Hopefully, I won't be eighty five. But if I am..I'm going to be riding a kick-ass "rascal"..that's for damn sure.