A letter to my former dentist...

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.  The fearful are caught as often as the bold"~Helen Keller~

                                                                                            9/11/10

  Dear Family Dentistry,

  I am writing to thank you for the care you have given both Omar and myself. When we moved here five years ago, we were happy to find a dental group that advertised "care for the family".  As we do have four children, it was nice to find a practice we would all be able to go to.

  Your patience with both myself and Omar has been thoroughly appreciated.  As you know I have extreme dental anxiety, your understanding, kindness.... and well... Valium have helped significantly. And Omar? Well that gag reflex gets him every time doesn't it?  He still feels awful for the time he threw up all over your floor even though you assured him that these things happen.  Last week, my kids left feeling pretty good about their dental experience.(even though there were a few minor mishaps)  So you can imagine my dismay when you called to tell us that you would be unable to treat Oscar.

  Now I know that he didn't have the easiest visit. He does have sensory issues like his mom and a gag reflex like his dad. We blame ourselves for not thinking to tell him to close his eyes during the x ray. He was distracted by something he saw at the last minute and moved a little. I also understand that an extreme gag reflex is hard to work around, and that the mint sealant you tried to use made him throw up.  Thankfully it was only on himself and Omar.  Although I have to mention that your jumping back horrified and saying "I can't do this! I can't do this!" didn't really help the situation. Oscar felt pretty bad about that.  I own the fact that I didn't fully prepare him for this visit.  I assumed that  he was scheduled for just a check up. ( his last one went so well ) I didn't think to prepare him for any work being done. I take full responsibility for that. Had I thought to prepare him , it would have been a different experience.  I did try to explain to you that the next time it would be easier. But unfortunately, there won't be a next time, because you don't want to treat him.

  Had you called and simply said "we are afraid that with his gag reflex and sensitivity issues, we won't be able to do the work necessary-and that a pediatric dentist would be better able and more qualified to help"  I would have been more understanding. But you didn't. I again tried to explain that we hadn't properly prepared him, and asked that we give it another try. Instead you you went on to tell us that yours was a practice that didn't really deal with kids and that you didn't carry non flavored sealants.  You don't really deal with kids??? So then why the play area, the toys, the contests-Am I supposed to believe they are there for those wishing to let out their inner child?  What about  THE WEB PAGE that gives a full and detailed description on  how you treat children in your practice?  Or how about the fact that you call yourself "Family dentistry"?  No, what I think you really meant to say was that you don't treat kids like Oscar. Big difference. Non flavored sealants-my bodacious backside!

   You see, the thing about autism or really any other disability, is that sometimes this is all that people notice.  They don't bother looking at the person. Instead, they make assumptions. Kind of like you thinking Oscar can't behave any other way and me thinking I had prepared him enough..We were both wrong. The thing is, I can admit it.   Oh sure, I could send Oscar to a different dentist than his siblings-it certainly would be easier for us. But what would Oscar think?  That is important.  The really disappointing thing?  Is that with just a few minor accommodations, some simple explanations and a lot of preparation (on our part), we could have made this work. Oscar (as you implied) is not going to "out grow" his sensory issues. To tell you the truth, I was stunned when you suggested this.Stunned...  and then you went on to say that he would be welcome back at that time. Wow.  No, Oscar is an autistic kid-who is going to grow up to be an autistic adult. I wonder what people will say to him then. 

  Now, I can continue to kick myself for not having prepared him better( I really do hold myself mostly responsible)-or I can move on.  I choose the latter.  My family will no longer be needing your services as a dentist. Because we are a "family"... and to us "family" means that no one is excluded.

          UPDATE....This phone conversation did indeed happen.  I wasn't clear enough though in the beginning.  It was between Omar, myself and the dental assistant.  The dentist did indeed try and get in touch with me later, but I wasn't home to get the call.  Although I see no point in calling back...sigh...