I will NOT go gently into that dark unfinished bathroom...

~"Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about."~ Oscar Wilde









 As I was raking out the chicken coop this morning, I thought about about how having pets teaches kids responsibility..Then, I went into the house, cleaned out the litter box, fed the kittens, gave them water, walked the dogs...fed them...and then went back outside to feed the stray cat..who has taken up residence behind the chicken coop. The chickens don't mind..so I don't either..Then I went back into the house to start the days round of laundry..I looked at the area where my laundry room is SUPPOSED to be and..Well, did you ever have one of those moments-when your brain just screams "ENOUGH!"..I usually have a couple of them a day..I tend to ignore them-mostly because I am highly distractable...but this time? This time was different.  Sure, my kids failed that day in the pet care dept. Most of the time they are wonderful...sometimes they too just get distracted...and sometimes I get tired of reminding them..sometimes it is easier to just do it myself. They are kids, I am a mom-it is the dance that we do. As long as I lead..things will be fine.

  A few months ago, I longed for a space of my own.  I just wanted to be able to take a few minutes out of my day where I could just sit and..stare..drink coffee...collect myself. Soooo....with a couple of very handy friends(That we were paying!)-we started work on a downstairs bathroom(with a deep soaking tub) slash laundry room. I know-it doesn't sound glamorous...but it was going to be MINE. My domain..a place for me. Oh how I imagined slipping into a deep tub of fragrant bubbles while the spin cycle gently spins it's soothing siren song almost as if it is saying "Relax Kathleen...reeeeeellllaaaaxxx...let go...breathe...I will clean all your clothes for you..." O.K., maybe I'm getting a little carried away here. I doubt that I would have ever done that..I'm just not a "soaking in the tub" kind of girl. No, what usually happens is that I "plan" to take a nice long soak. I fill the tub..grab a book and some coffee..get in...and then promptly think "What now?" As I get out of the tub.   I am just no good at relaxing. But..BUT-the thought of being able to do so made me heady with anticipation! The thought alone counts for something-doesn't it?.

This is what the construction
looked like in May.

This is what it looks like
in August

As you can see here, construction has come to a halt. Not only has it come to a halt..my "Friends"-you know the guys that I was paying to help us?  They have disappeared off the face of the earth.  Well..no-that isn't quite true..Here, I'll share a text message I sent one of them...maybe it will help you to understand...

"Dear ****, Both Omar and myself know you are going through an awful time of it.  For that we are really so very sorry.  Wish there was something we could do to help. That being said, you guys do amazing work.  Really it is so beautiful and well designed-we couldn't be happier with what you all have done.  The problem is..well since May, it seems that the both of you have been under a black cloud.  Your truck has broken down, your work had more demands **** had a relationship end, you pulled your back out, you have your own relationship problems..Oh the list goes on..I have nothing but empathy for you guys.  The thing of it is..I can't live with my house this way anymore. I can't live with thinking maybe you will be here maybe you won't.  We started this project in March-August makes six months.  So what are we gonna do?  Should we just pay you for what you have done and get someone else in to finish? I know your life is crazy right now.  But you need to understand our position too," 

I didn't write every reason that they gave since May for not showing up...But lets just say if they had mentioned locusts and plagues, I would not have been surprised. Sadly, I did not receive a response to this text..nothing. Nada. So, me being me...wrote another one

.  "****, just wondering if you could take two seconds to respond to my last text? If you are done here, please do me the courtesy of being direct and honest and telling me.  I have treated both you and **** with nothing but respect.  I don't think that it is too much to ask that you treat me in the same way." 

  I did not get a response to that one either. Again, being who I am..I decided to see what I could find out. Was he sick, in the hospital? Did he lose his phone? I mean, these guys were part of our lives for a very long time.  I baked for them!  They got my kids off the bus on the day of my surgery!  I just didn't think that a friend COULD treat me this way. To not respond?  To not even say "Hey my life is crap right now-please understand?" Something HAD to be wrong. It didn't make sense. And then I saw...He's just been too busy! I mean, it takes time to post that you listened to 120 songs( all about heartbreak) via spotify on Facebook! Oh and the post about how a" hangover is gods worst invention"!  I think of the hours to come up with such a pithy comment! Far be it from me to mess with someones creativity. Especially by asking them to give me a simple response. How dare I?  

  So here we are about to start a new school year..and the bathroom isn't yet done.  I could live with that...if it weren't for all the other things going on.  Oscar is going to transition over to the middle school this year-a change that has him very anxious and worried.  We found out this week, that the head of special Ed. at his school has left for another position. Understand, I in no way blame her for leaving...just as I wouldn't be surprised if other spec. ed. teachers left. Kind of like rats off of a sinking ship..only they aren't rats...they are wonderful dedicated people.  But, the way that our district views disability (unrealistically) and the changes (budget cuts) that they have implemented..it makes it impossible to do their jobs the way that they want to. It makes it impossible for our kids to excel in the ways that they can. Then when the test scores come in..and they find the spec. ed. kids lacking..they will blame the spec. ed. teachers whose budgets they have cut to nothing.  It is a viscous circle-and the children will bear the brunt of it.

  It makes me wonder sometimes...I am teaching my kids to be responsible, well mannered, critical thinking people. Sometimes, especially for my kids on the spectrum-it is hard. Yet they persevere..they go out every day and face each challenge with dignity, grace..and a positive outlook. They are not quitters. Then I look at some of the "adults" around them. I wonder why my kids have to work so hard at these skills..and why we live in a world that is so insistent that they have them..when so many people-who don't have even a quarter of the challenges my kids face daily...get away with being irresponsible. It makes no sense.

   I guess that we will just get through this year the best that we can.... That we find someone to help finish up my unfinished bathroom...that we can sell our house..and maybe find a school district that values my kids as much or as close to how much that I do. Until then I will tend my chickens..and kittens..and dogs..and kids...and laundry...and dream about calgon one day taking me away..

Stepping off into nothing..to give them the world..

~ Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too. ~ Lionel Kauffman 

 I ask my kids to do a lot of things. Some of them easy-(bring laundry upstairs, put plates in the dishwasher etc.) Some not so easy-(go to school, deal with all the noise, communicate)  They all try very hard to do these things...well...maybe not so much with the laundry..or the dishes..but the other stuff? They really work at them-not because they particularly want to-or even see the necessity of doing them. They do them because I ask them too. From the time that they were born-I have been pushing them forward...I am a parent-that's my job.  Autism really doesn't have anything to do with it.  Sure, it changes how we do things-makes certain things a priority. But-it doesn't make my job that much harder-it just makes it different.As I have said before-my kids(three of them) have always been autistic-I don't know how to parent any other way. All four of them are happy and healthy. So, I must be doing something right.   The thing of it is-I don't ask my kids to do anything that I myself wouldn't do. Although, I can't really say the same about them. Which is why I found myself clinging desperately to a large pole forty feet from the ground.

"Mama?"

"What's up Oscar?"

"Look at the bungee jumper" (he was watching something on Youtube..

"That looks scary."

"I want to bungee jump"

"No."

"Why not?"

"What if the cord broke?..What if you slipped out of the loop on your leg? You would fall...really far!"

"I want to bungee jump!"

"O.K.  You can bungee jump when you are eighteen..just promise me that you won't tell me about it until after you do it..O.K???"

"O.K....bungee...I want to bungee jump.."

  A few weeks later, Zoe asked....

"I want to fly."

"Well..one day we can all take a trip on an airplane.."

"No! I want to really fly!"

"I can't really help you there..you don't have wings."( This by the way has NOT stopped her from trying. I have caught her jumping off the top of the couch, various chairs and tables..and once, grabbed her from jumping off the railing of the deck...all causing me to age quite rapidly)

"I could jump out of a plane!"

"Not while I'm alive."

"But I want to!"

"O.K...when you are eighteen you can sky dive-only promise me that you won't tell me until after you do it O.K."

  I thought that I was safe. That I had a few years to not think about it...that maybe, with maturity, they would  SEE that doing those particular things could be hazardous to their life. *sigh* I know..I know..I shouldn't discourage them from trying new things...especially by listing all the ways that those "things" could kill them.  I guess something just happens to you when you become a parent. Your mortality...you kids mortality..mortality in general!  It becomes of the utmost importance.  I know that I didn't think that way before kids. Some of the things that I did (and survived) as a teenager-*shiver* the memories alone can sometimes keep me from a restful sleep. But that is a post that is NEVER going to be written!  So, there I was..thinking all was right in our world, when Oscar said...

"Hey Mama!"

"What's up Oscar?"

"I want to zip line!"

"You do?"

"Yes."

  Now the problem here was that Omar had gone zip lining as part of a corporate event....AND he told us all about it. So, I really had no way to..well...say "No."  Besides, when Omar did it-it was between two mountains and over a forest.  There is nothing like that here. What we do have is a rope climbing/platform zip lining place. That didn't sound too bad. So, I figured that if Oscar wanted to do this-we would all just go for it. (I am a huge believer in family adventures/trips)  One thing that you need to understand about us is that with the exception of Zoe (who will jump off of anything) we are all terribly afraid of heights. But, as Omar did this (over a much higher course) and lived to talk about it..I thought "Piece of cake! What could go wrong?" Remember that large pole that I mentioned in the first paragraph? We became quite intimate.

There I was standing forty feet up(clinging to the pole-really, if I could have melted into it I would have)..trying to look anywhere but down.  The only thing holding me was a rope attached to the zip line. The attendant looked at me and said "Just step off of the platform." My brain was saying "are you out of your freaking mind?"  Omar was yelling words of encouragement..or at least I think he was..I was in panic mode. At the same time, I didn't want my kids to know that I was freaking out(especially Sam who was going on the zip line next to me..so I was answering Omar in a really loud and extra jovial voice.."SURE! O.K.! YUP!!...honestly, he could have been saying "The car is on fire!" or "Your pants have fallen down!" ...it wouldn't have made a difference. My ears just heard "blah blah blah-because the pounding of my heart was so loud.   I knew that I HAD to do this. I had to show my kids...to lead the way...to be fearless. So..I did what my brain pleaded with me not to do. I let go of the pole and stepped off the platform into....nothing....and it was AMAZING! Liberating! Joyful! I loved it. I couldn't wait to do it again... couldn't wait for the others to go. That is when we ran into problems.

  As a parent, there are those special times when we are powerless to help our kids..I don't have them often, but when I do...Well,I refer to them as "Oh S**t" moments.That day, I had one of "those" moments-as I was standing on the ground forty feet below, Oscar and Lily were having simultaneous panic attacks forty feet above.

  Thankfully-the staff there are very well trained..and they were able to get them off of the platform to the relative safety of the waiting area. In fact-they did this many times that afternoon as both Lily and Oscar kept trying to overcome their fear...they never did.  Zoe in the meantime ran the course about twenty times while all this was going on. I'm hoping that this will keep her off of the furniture from now on...or at least discourage her from thinking about sky diving (while I am still alive) .

The pole to the far left became my very good friend

On the way home, I told all of my kids how very proud I was of them. Lily said "But I didn't do anything!!" Oscar said "It was too high!" (I didn't mention bungee jumping)  I told them that I was proud of them for trying. That I could never ask them for more than that. (with the exception of laundry and cleaning up after themselves-"trying" doesn't work there)  I also told them that not going on the zip line was no big deal...that their lives weren't any better or worse for not doing it. That the important thing was the "trying" of it. "How can you know whether or not you like something if you don't at least try?"( That last part was aimed at getting them to taste new foods-again, a post for another day)

  Since then, there haven't been any more requests to do anything life threatening. Although Sam HAS mentioned getting his license in three years. (EEK!) Both Lily and Oscar have asked to try zip lining again. I have no problem with that.  Whether they wind up staying in the holding area-or actually do the course. They are setting a goal and it is my job to help them achieve it...just as it is my job to help them if they don't. Besides, I wouldn't mind having a go at it again...there is a pole there that I have gotten to know quite well...

From blogging to television...

There will be a new post up in the next few days...But-until then, I wanted to let everyone know what I have been up to. This is cross posted from my(and Kim Wombles) other blog.



Kim and I wanted to share some very exciting news with you all.  There is a new television network coming to town! "The Autism channel"...a network devoted to all things autism will be making its debut in late August.  The channel will offer a wide variety of shows dealing with things like early diagnosis, different therapies, legal rights, and research just to name a few. Of course a show very near and dear to my heart (as well as Kim's) will be "The Blogger Ladies" featuring none other than myself and Kim!  On it we will be discussing various topics and some of the blogs (from the directory- naturally) that discuss them. We are very excited to be a part of this wonderful project-and look forward to discussing your blogs.  Stay tuned for more information-as we will post it as it comes in.  To all of you who answered my post "Calling all bloggers!"..now you know the project we were working on! Thanks so much for sending your links..please keep them coming!--Kathleen

Make sure to check out the demo video and finally see Kathleen revealed! :) We're so excited by this project and the chance to share with a wider audience all you wonderful bloggers and the insights and wisdom autistic bloggers, professionals, and parents have to offer to those in similar situations. --Kim







please go like this page on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/TheAutismChannel

And check out this nifty press release! http://www.prweb.com/releases/2012/8/prweb9765796.htm

This mutter abhors a vacuum...OR..These hips don't die..

~"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time"~

Stephen Wright

 It was at least 93 degrees in my house..my hair was plastered to my head from the sweat that was pouring down (and slowly pooling to the bottom of the very cumbersome air cast I was imprisoned wearing) my body. I was in a mood...a tizzy if you will.  Why?..Well, it would seem that during my forced non weight bearing rest convalescence recovery..my children, lovely beings that they are..kind of ran amokdestroyed got a little out of control with their toys, games, books,little pieces of paper, clothes, and sharp pointy objects in our house.  They were everywhere.. although mostly on the floor where my poor recovering foot was bound to step on them. (especially the sharp pointy objects)  I was hot, I was tired..I may even have been a little bit cranky.

"WHAT HAPPENED DOWN HERE??!! IT LOOKS LIKE A BOMB EXPLODED! YOU ALL NEED TO STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND CLEAN UP!! I AM NOT Going to clean this up!! I want everything picked up off of the floor..and either put away where it belongs or I am going to THROW IT OUT!!  Yes-I used the old "going to throw it out "strategy.  I don't use it often-but when I do, they know that I mean business...and generally hop to it...And hop to it they did....all of them...with the exception of Oscar. He remained sitting in front of the computer.  "OSCAR!!...why aren't you helping?"  "I'm lazy."..."LAZY??!!" .."Yeah.."  "OH..I think NOT!! You will get your butt off of that chair and help your brothers and sisters NOW!!!" (imagine that said in the voice of Satan...or James Earl Jones)  I think that my eyes had turned red...and I had sprouted fangs..because, with a look of terror, he shot up out of that chair and into action.

  My house became a hive of activity..a frenzy of frightened children industriously working to save their beloved toys..tiny bits of paper and sharp pointy things..It was beautiful for the three minutes that it lasted.
"Mama..can I vacuum?" "No! I want to!" "You got to last time!" "It's my turn!"  *growl* "You can ALL take a turn." "I want to go first!" "NO ME!" .."I don't care who goes first! You figure it out! Just DO IT!!"(I believe that at this point, flames were shooting out of my nostrils -again, imagine the voice of Satan or James)  I had to walk away before I said something I would later regret-something I would not be able to take back..So,I hobbled away muttering about vacuums and irony..Not too long ago,  I could not vacuum when some of the kids were home. Noise is a sensory issue-and they did not like it.Not one bit. They would scream, cover their ears...hide.  They just could not handle the sound. I did a lot of stealth vacuuming back then. Now, for whatever reason(I don't know) they all ADORE the vacuum. They fight over it, stand on it..drag it around...lose all the attachments. Vacuuming to them-is a real treat.  The problem is-they suck more than the vacuum does. No, really...the way that they vacuum could be studied by scientists...researched in laboratories. If you were to give any of my children a vacuum and a hair and paper covered rug..they would all proceed to vacuum only a two foot strip of carpet.  No more no less..AND if they are taking turns with vacuum duty-they will each only vacuum the same exact two foot section. Not only that! Afterwards..*sigh* afterwards,they will all stand around and congratulate themselves on a job well done.

  Now on this particular day, as I was chipping jelly off of the bathroom sink (don't ask) hopping around in a sweat soaked cast- muttering to myself(all sorts of things-but mostly "stupid *&%* cast") I happened to hear them  They had just completed vacuuming and were in the "pat themselves on the back for a job well done" stage.
  "Boy that was hard work" (hard work?! are you freaking kidding me-I muttered)
 "Phew, I'm really tired out."
 "I'm pooped!"
 "I'm really thirsty after all that." (ALL WHAT? I muttered...)
 "Yeah, I could use a drink."
 "Lets all get something to drink and sit down."
 So-as they served themselves nice cold drinks...I continued to mutter..and grumble..and sweat...,",stupid &*#@$# cast"..".two feet of carpet"..."get off of my lawn! " Well...maybe not the lawn thing..But, I was so hot and tired-I might as well have been that old lady yelling at the kids in her neighborhood. There I was, working myself up into a terrific frenzy of sweat and muttering,,,when they came into the bathroom.
."Here Mama, we thought you could use this."   (They had brought me a cup of warm tap water.)
 "Why don't you sit down, you have been working too hard."
*SIGH*
Now I suppose this is the part where I am supposed to say that it was the best drink I ever had. That we all hugged and realized the importance of family..Not so much..C'mon! It was warm tap water!!..But it did make me stop for a minute...cease my muttering...calm myself down. I did appreciate it!  Which I suppose was the point of their offering.  The house got cleaned(and has mostly stayed that way-although my feet still find pointy objects here and there)..the cast came off..things are alright. Sometimes I forget how things like me wearing a cast affect them. I'm the mom-to them I am infallible(at least till the girls are teenagers)..if I am sick or off of my feet-it rocks their world.  It's something I need to work on...But in the mean time..

I posted this picture on Facebook. It was my way of saying "Look-I'm doing great! The cast is off! YAY!"
We had a great time.  I had always wanted a slip and slide as a kid-so I got one as an adult..and it was as fun as I had imagined. Great right?  Well-I certainly did NOT expect the public scolding I received!  So many people saying "You don't want to wind up in a cast again!" or "Should you be doing that?" The worst was..."At your age(I'm 48), it's easy to break a bone...you have to watch out for arms, ankles and hips."  HIPS?????  Holy crap!  


You know, I spent from my mid thirties to my mid forties either having children-or potty training them...and all the necessary things in between. I absolutely refuse to go from fertile to decrepit in 13 years! REFUSE.  Funny-no one seems to be concerned that I might "break a hip" cleaning the house!  Good lord!  Besides, if I start worrying about my hips...then they will worry about my hips...and then they will worry about their own hips..and before you know it we will sound like a support group for the 80+ set...

  My kids are finally at an age where they can ALL participate...whether it be vacuuming or playing on a slip and slide.  It's my job to push them into the world.. Some of my kids have a hard time with that. They are afraid to try new things...to step out of where they are comfortable. How can I ask them to do something-if I don't set an example? I am trying to teach them to navigate a very confusing world...from how to handle money-to doing there own laundry. So, if I should happen to throw in some fun things-that is just icing on the cake.

  On Monday, we are going zip lining. If I should (heavens forbid!) happen to break a hip..so be it.  At least I am assured that there will be two feet of carpet I can rest on...sharp pointy things be damned!

Full circle-steam ahead...

~"Deep in my heart
Save from the guards
Of intellect and reason
Leaving me at a loss
For words to express my feelings"~ Tracy Chapman

It started with a potato chip..Well, actually it started a little before that..Almost a year ago, I decided to take a semi break from blogging.  Some of the herd are getting older..they are starting to find their individual feet...go their own way. Although these are all really good things..wonderful things even....there was a part of me that was mourning...and conflicted.   With one hand I am pushing them forward...but...at the same time..I was clinging desperately hanging on with the other. I needed to take some time...figure things out.*sigh*.learn to let go.

 And then this happened. A silly accident that caused me to be on crutches for much of the summer....leaving me at the mercy in the care of four children. Without any way of escaping!! There I was stuck on the couch-there was no place to run (if I could)...nowhere to hide..unable to even get myself a cup of coffee. Subjected to seemingly endless hours of strange television..and YouTube videos...and children..four wonderfully "helpful" children who made me their purpose in life....when it was convenient..and it didn't interrupt with their television and computer time. They did however learn valuable life skills such as..doing laundry and the reason we fold it straight from the dryer(because we don't like being told that we need to go ALL THE WAY upstairs to put something unwrinkled on), that it was a good idea to clean up smeared peanut butter  immediately-because it took lots of work to clean it up after it hardened-not to mention the hours spent looking for a chisel to do so...and that leaving the front door open invited very large bugs into the house...bugs that their incapacitated mother could not kill entice to leave. As for me?  I learned that these kids of mine were much more capable than I had let them be.More willing and certainly more able. Letting go is so hard!  Still, I was ecstatic out of my mind with joy very happy when the school bus pulled up to our front door late in August.

  I was really apprehensive about this school year-especially for my Oscar.(photo of Oscar at about 18 months)  Much (not all) of fourth grade had been a wash...Oscar wasn't really pushed all that hard..(for the most part) I think that it gave him the message that his participation was not really necessary..So-my boy-being who he is-ran with it. He was sort of content to block out the noise...to live in his computer worlds of Mario, Skippy Jon Jones and all things sponge-bob.  But at the same, time more and more-the world off  screen calls to him. He just hasn't been too sure of exactly how to answer it-or , if he even really wants to. Oscar has had some pretty amazing people in his school life.  People who have worked very hard to help him. In some cases going above and beyond what was dictated by his IEP.   But..this year..this year he needed more.  This was a transition year-his last year of elementary school. It meant that Oscar-my boy who hates change..was going to have to get ready to leave the only place he has known for seven years. All of us a chez herd were feeling the strain long before he got on the school bus last August.

  Seven years ago, Oscar started school kicking and screaming.  Well, actually more screaming than anything. I don't think that there was a week where I wasn't called in to help calm him down.  Or at least it felt that way. From the time school started each day-till the time he got off the bus...it was anyone's guess as to what would happen. Would he be happy? Stressed? Overwhelmed?  There really were no indicators as to how it was going to go. I lived my life in a state of constant alert.  I was so afraid..afraid that he would hurt himself..or someone else.  Afraid that he might be asked to leave school..afraid that he couldn't do it.  That my belief that he COULD participate-was based solely on my own need for him to do so. It was a terribly scary and lonely time for me.  I could not think of anything other than putting one foot in front of the other-of getting Oscar through one day, one moment at a time...and slowly (sometimes VERY slowly) things got better..What a difference seven years makes.

  As I said before, He has had some pretty wonderful people around him.  From his speech therapist(who is amazing) and his case workers..to his different aids. Everyone has played a part.  It hasn't been an easy ride-there have certainly been glitches..but we have all muddled through... learned as we went.  This past year though..has been different. This was a transition year.  Oscar needed more-and even though I didn't realize it...I needed more.  Oh how I worried-*sigh*.

  What a waste of time that was. (hey, hind site is 20/20!) The people around him..well, I could not have asked for more-they gave everything and then some...From Ms. H who not only insisted he be a vital participant in her class-and especially for giving him moments where he could shine(having him teach the class about sound waves comes to mind!)...and Mrs. H..who refused to let him quit(and I know he tried...and tried)-who woke up his love for science..who allowed him to be himself and loved him for it. Through you-he learned that his words had substance and meaning...that even though they might be different- they counted..more importantly-that HE counted. And I can't forget to mention Mr. G. who oversaw it all...He may have (from time to time) used "sensitive guy" words like "explore" and "feelings"..but he ALWAYS made sure that I was kept informed and ALWAYS supplied me with chocolate at our monthly meetings-not only was he Oscar's support system-but he was mine as well.. ..All of them will be horribly missed next year.  Although I am not quite sure who will miss them more.  Oscar or...me.

  So, last Tuesday, in a small ceremony, the boy who entered the school kicking and screaming, quietly walked out with his fifth grade certificate. I don't know what the next year holds for him. At the moment,  Oscar.. well...he doesn't seem all too concerned.  I on the other hand will Probably spend most of the summer worrying..

Oscar lounging after  his ceremony. 

     Hey! I'm a mother-it is my job to worry...and sometimes it seems to be what I do best.  Besides, it isn't as if I have anything better to do..well, besides try to hide from my overly "helpful" children. Yup-just like last summer..I am once again stuck in a cast.  This time recovering from the surgery to fix the foot that didn't heal last summer. *SIGH*
History sometimes has a strange way of repeating itself.  I just hope that this year it doesn't include peanut butter, chisels or giant bugs....

A padded room of ones own..

~"If you do not tell the truth about yourself you can not tell it about other people"~ Virginia Woolf

  I was talking to my brother on the phone the other night...when he suggested that I was having a "sort of mid-life crisis". A mid life crisis. Me. Now, I have been accused of many things-called many names.  Most of them good...some of them...well, as this is a family blog-I won't print them here. But a mid life crisis?! Firstly, I am a little bit passed the mid life cutting off point.(48th birthday last week)  Even the spam in my mailbox agrees!- From invites to join AARP to free issues of "As We Change"  they mark me as nearer to my expiration date than somewhere closer to...living. I gleefully pointed this out to my brother...as he is 14 years my SENIOR.  This did  not make him happy (although it gave me much joy) nor did it change his opinion of me. Which is solely based on one recent acquisition.  Chickens. Yes, I am now the proud owner of three chickens.

 Since we moved into this area almost 7 years ago-it has been one of my husbands strongest desires to have chickens.  If we passed any house that had them-and there are many- he would sigh and say "They're allowed to have chickens...everyone is allowed to have chickens but me..."  I could have conceded. Much like I did with our THREE dogs, our big screen t.v. and various other things I have become primary caretaker of. But not this time...You see, Omar didn't want them as pets...he wanted them to eat! "We are not going to eat our pets!" I would exclaim. "Then don't name them." he'd reply. "I can't have chickens living in my yard and not name them!"..."Well, name one of them...we won't eat that one." On and on it went...for years...until finally-I came up with a plan. Quite a good plan if I say so myself. 

  His birthday was two weeks ago-He has had a few rough patches this year...so, I wanted to do something extra special for him. I decided that I would get him his longed for chickens...only, on my terms. I bought a coop and set up a penned in area in our yard. Then, I brought home the three ADORABLE baby chicks...and showed them to the kids. Now, my kids being...kids..were very excited! "Oh Mama! they are so sweet!" "Look at how cute they are!"..."What are you going to name them?".."Well.." I said, "I promised Papa that if we ever got chickens- I would only name one of them." "That means we get to name the other two!!!"..."Well...if you insist."

  The kids met Omar at the door that evening..."Happy birthday Papa! come see your surprise!" As he looked upon the chicks with joy and (sadly) a little bit of....hunger..he said "Hmmm..I think I'll call them "K,F and C."  The kids-not knowing what he meant yelled"But we already named them Papa!" I said "Don't look at me-I only named one." and then I added..."How do you like your new PETS?"  He just laughed and said "I guess we'll be eating a lot of omelets." I guess so too.

  So, I don't see how or even why my brother would call this a  mid-life crisis. In just a few short weeks, our chicks have added so much to our household. (besides poop) They are very social-and that can be calming. If any of us has had a rough day...we just go sit with our fuzzy girls...they just make us feel good..  After this past month, I need all the "good" I can get.

  We just went through "re-evaluation" for Oscar..On the day before my birthday, we went in to hear the results of his testing. Is it just me-or does hearing results like this feel like a part of "Festivus" you know-the "airing of the grievances"? Understand, I in no way look at my son as less because of what he can not do..but in situations like evaluations...it feels as though that is ALL the focus is on. It is hard...and a little bit sad. Not because of what he can't do-but because there is no emphasis on what he CAN do. I feel like he isn't being seen as the whole person that he is. I know that they(evals.) serve a purpose-doesn't mean I have to like how they are done.  My day only went downhill from there.  Tht afternoon, there was a meeting at our school for parents of spec. ed. kids.  Sadly, not enough of us showed up...even sadder? Some of the things that were said. For instance-one person asked why their child did not get homework.  They felt that their child needed to learn that sometimes we all had to do things that we didn't like-because that is how it is in the real world. (meaning when they were employed) The answer she received...well...did you ever have one of those moments where you are just holding yourself together-because you know if you open your mouth...not nice things are going to come out? That was me when I heard "Our kids only do/get jobs that they like. We don't have to worry that they won't want to do the work." WHAT?????  And when I queried as to why we could not discuss autism..i.e. Oscar being the elephant in the room etc. That if a child came in wearing a cast, no one would hesitate to ask them what happened..I was told something along the lines of "Not everyone is as open and accepting about their kids as you are." As if this were a fault. Again, I held myself together...when I wanted to SCREAM "Then why don't we HELP them!! It would make their kids lives a hell of a lot easier..and theirs too!!!" I guess we'll just have to wait till our kids get those really great jobs to change things. Right....and disability isn't a four letter word.

  Thankfully, things have settled down a bit since then.  Oscar's IEP meeting SEEMS to have gone o.k.  Omar and I still have our worries...only time will tell. The kids are all healthy and happy...the chicks are thriving...and Mothers day is on Sunday.  This year I am going to ask for a little time by myself.  I gave up on asking for my own (bath)room years ago.  Although...a padded one might feel nice right about now. All soft and cozy...just me a cup of coffee and a really good book.  Perhaps even a chicken or three..Midlife crisis my backside!  More like old age wisdom..if you ask me...

  

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NOT so free to be...

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” 

― Oscar Wilde

"PINGAS! PINGAS! PINGAS!"  "Oscar could you please stop yelling "Pingas" over and over!"  "But why?" "Because it is really loud and I'm tired of hearing it." "But I'm just being me."..."I understand that..but..it is getting kind of tiring." .."Don't you want me to be me?" "Of course I want you to be you..Could you just do it a little quieter?" ..."But I'm just being me."...*sigh*..

   Next to "pingas"- "I'm just being me" has rapidly grown to become one of Oscar's favorite catch phrases. At the same time, as equally as rapidly-it has become a problem. I blame myself for this. I thought that by giving Oscar these words-it would help him to explain himself and boost his confidence at the same time. When Oscar is anxious or needs to concentrate-he stims. Whether it be rocking in the classroom or flapping on the playground-his stimming serves a purpose. He needs to be able to do this and not be made to feel awkward about it.  Sometimes, Oscar doesn't have the words he needs to express himself. So, if someone should approach him and ask him what he's doing..he can say "Just being me." It seems to be working for him. (although maybe a bit too much) I have used similar words in his defense when trying to explain a choice he is making(picture books over chapter books) or when his brother complains about him watching "baby shows" on t.v. "He is who he is Sam-let it go." The problem is that my wonderful and very smart boy has started to take these words to a whole new level.  A level where any and everything he does is acceptable and requires no responsibility. I on the other hand...beg to differ. Au contraire mon frere! Yes-I gave him these words with the best of intentions...have you heard about the road to hell?  Yup-it is paved with them.

"Oscar! Why did you just go and stick your feet (with new shoes) in that mud puddle?!"  "I was just being me!"

 "OSCAR! Why did you open up your sandwich and rub peanut butter ALL OVER THE TABLE?!"... "I was just being me."

Or my personal favorite...Oscar is well aware that Sam is extremely self conscious at the moment (puberty)..and like the little brother he is...he just loves pushing Sams buttons..."Mama! Could you please tell Oscar to leave me alone!!"  "Why? What is he doing?.."He keeps trying to kiss me and hold my hand!" "Sam...I'm your boyfriend! hahahaha! Kiss me!"  "No Oscar! Stop it!!"  "Pretend we are going on a date! Kiss me! HAHAHAHAHA!"  "Oscar!! Leave your brother alone! He doesn't like that."...."But I'm just being me!"

  Yes, my smart boy has found a loophole...a loophole that I NEED to close!  So...the other night when I was tucking him in I said.."Hey Oscar...you really need to start thinking about some of the "choices" you have been making lately. You know, it is one thing to "be yourself" and it is another to use that as an excuse for doing anything you want."  "What do you mean?"  "Well...you don't get to do anything that you want and excuse it by saying you are "just being me".  It doesn't work that way. O.K.?".."O.K. Mama."..I'm not sure how much of that he got-but we'll keep working on it. Oh yes we will.  As I got up to leave, he looked at me and said.."Hey Mama...." "Yeah?"....He smiled and slowly pointed his finger down..creeping towards his..well..(I'll leave that up to you) gave me a huge grin and  said..."PINGAS!" and burst out laughing...I just shook my head (trying not to laugh-Hey! "pingas" does sound an awful lot like..*cough* you know!) and walked out of the room...He was after all really just being himself....