Just so Thankful...

~"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out my nose."~ Woody Allen

    I was in the grocery store a few days before Thanksgiving...getting some last minute necessities (pizza), when I bumped into an old acquaintance.  She happened to glance down at my cart- and she said "I guess YOU aren't doing any cooking for Thanksgiving.".."Ummm..  "No..Omar does most of the cooking.".."Well , you know...YOU had BETTER appreciate him!" Huh? I wasn't really too sure how to respond to that..I mean really-what do you say?  "Great Idea! I'll start doing that right now!...Let me just pay for this pizza first..." ?  Honestly, why would anyone assume from frozen pizza,  that I don't appreciate my husband?  Why do people do that?  It isn't just about husbands..it can be anything. Just take a look at Facebook.

  A few years back I posted something like "The kids are finally in bed-hooray!..can't wait till they are old enough to put themselves there.." Instead of the "likes" and camaraderie I expected-I got "Oh...they are only this little once".."I hope you appreciate it because they grow so fast"..."you are going to look back on these times and miss them (smiley face)"  What is it with this shaming?! What-I'm not allowed to want my kids to grow up?  Are you serious? I'm giddy with the thought of it! And you know what?  They do all put themselves to bed now-and I don't miss those times one bit-not even a little. I love my kids..I have loved every stage of their lives..Sometimes I think that I even overly love them.."Mama..I'm going outside."  "O.K. Buddy, give me a hug..I love you! " "Umm I'm only going out to the garage."  "Well a lot can happen between the door and the garage.." "Mama!"

  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't appreciate all that I have. I am a lucky woman-I have a great family, a roof over our heads..we're healthy, we're happy. I am thankful for it all...but come on-just how consciously thankful does one have to be all the time? I mean doesn't anyone have to pee?(although I'm sure that there is someone somewhere who would LOVE to tell me that I should be thankful for being able to do so!) Or sleep? Can I not be thankful for being blissfully ALONE without someone telling me how much I'm going to miss my kids one day? Is there a "Bureau of Thankfulness" that I don't know about that weighs and measures each persons thankfulness and places them on some sort of top secret list of thankful behavior?

  I happened to notice that people in the month of November (Thanksgiving month for all my non U.S. friends) started doing this Facebook trend kind of meme.  For every day of the month-they would mention something they were thankful for. Now, that in itself is a lovely thing.  There is nothing wrong with sharing all that you are thankful for (with your 50 billion friends). Every day, I would see some wonderful posts from people being thankful for their families, friends...even coffee. But, by about the eighth of the month or so...people were running out of steam.  They had already listed everything...and yet, they still had twelve days left. Things got a little creative after that.( "I am thankful for sidewalks.") Mostly they just started rephrasing everything they had already listed. I found it amusing. But, that's just me..(.I've probably been blacklisted by the Bureau of Thankfulness for this...)

  So, This Facebook thing got me thinking...Aside from family, friends, pets, nature, a roof over my head, health-and all that those things encompass...what else should I be thankful for?Am I thankful enough? So, just in case... I made my own little list.
 "Ten other things I am thankful for but may have failed to mention-but  proves that I am appreciative of all things all the time every moment of every day-the end." 

1.  I am thankful that cats don't have thumbs. If you are or have ever been a cat owner-you will understand.
2. I am thankful that (so far) there have never been any monsters under my kids beds or in their closets when they have asked me to check (and Omar was out of town)
3.  I am glad that said monsters have also not appeared in my closet or under my bed.
4. I am glad that my children no longer watch PBS kids..and I look forward to the day that I forget ALL the dialogue from Thomas the Tank Engine (including songs) so far-the latter has not happened but I am hopeful.
5. I am thankful that my house is in a perpetual state of remodeling-because when anyone comes over, I can explain the mess by saying "we are remodeling" even though the mess has nothing to do with remodeling and everything to do with my being a crappy housekeeper.
6. I am thankful that one of my daughters has a field trip tomorrow-so both my girls won't be home(fighting) and the house will be quiet-even though I'm DEFINITELY sure that I will look back on and miss these times with great sorrow because they have grown up so fast..(not)
7. I am thankful that I can now use the bathroom by myself..although I promise to look back with great sorrow that my kids have all grown up so fast and no longer need to accompany me to the bathroom..
8. I am thankful for my bathrooms. (if you have been reading me for a while-you will understand this) And if anyone asks-I am thankful that I have bodily functions..I hope that I never look back in sorrow because they have gone away.
9.I am thankful that my daughters no longer listen to Katy Perry's "California Gurls" over and over again. Although the lyrics(like all the Thomas Train stuff) have been burned into my brain-which is a good thing...because when I look back all sorrowful that my kids have grown up-I will always have Thomas...and Katy to remember them by.
10. I am thankful for my zombie display...even though the recent spate of bad weather has destroyed it and I might have to take it down..Although I might leave it up anyway and say it's a mess because we are remodeling...

  So, Thanksgiving  has come to an end..or at least the holiday has.  We had a lovely day surrounded by family..We ate the wonderful meal the husband I appreciate prepared, we drank..we made merry..It was everything it was supposed to be..And yes-I was thankful..

I will NOT go gently into that dark unfinished bathroom...

~"Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about."~ Oscar Wilde









 As I was raking out the chicken coop this morning, I thought about about how having pets teaches kids responsibility..Then, I went into the house, cleaned out the litter box, fed the kittens, gave them water, walked the dogs...fed them...and then went back outside to feed the stray cat..who has taken up residence behind the chicken coop. The chickens don't mind..so I don't either..Then I went back into the house to start the days round of laundry..I looked at the area where my laundry room is SUPPOSED to be and..Well, did you ever have one of those moments-when your brain just screams "ENOUGH!"..I usually have a couple of them a day..I tend to ignore them-mostly because I am highly distractable...but this time? This time was different.  Sure, my kids failed that day in the pet care dept. Most of the time they are wonderful...sometimes they too just get distracted...and sometimes I get tired of reminding them..sometimes it is easier to just do it myself. They are kids, I am a mom-it is the dance that we do. As long as I lead..things will be fine.

  A few months ago, I longed for a space of my own.  I just wanted to be able to take a few minutes out of my day where I could just sit and..stare..drink coffee...collect myself. Soooo....with a couple of very handy friends(That we were paying!)-we started work on a downstairs bathroom(with a deep soaking tub) slash laundry room. I know-it doesn't sound glamorous...but it was going to be MINE. My domain..a place for me. Oh how I imagined slipping into a deep tub of fragrant bubbles while the spin cycle gently spins it's soothing siren song almost as if it is saying "Relax Kathleen...reeeeeellllaaaaxxx...let go...breathe...I will clean all your clothes for you..." O.K., maybe I'm getting a little carried away here. I doubt that I would have ever done that..I'm just not a "soaking in the tub" kind of girl. No, what usually happens is that I "plan" to take a nice long soak. I fill the tub..grab a book and some coffee..get in...and then promptly think "What now?" As I get out of the tub.   I am just no good at relaxing. But..BUT-the thought of being able to do so made me heady with anticipation! The thought alone counts for something-doesn't it?.

This is what the construction
looked like in May.

This is what it looks like
in August

As you can see here, construction has come to a halt. Not only has it come to a halt..my "Friends"-you know the guys that I was paying to help us?  They have disappeared off the face of the earth.  Well..no-that isn't quite true..Here, I'll share a text message I sent one of them...maybe it will help you to understand...

"Dear ****, Both Omar and myself know you are going through an awful time of it.  For that we are really so very sorry.  Wish there was something we could do to help. That being said, you guys do amazing work.  Really it is so beautiful and well designed-we couldn't be happier with what you all have done.  The problem is..well since May, it seems that the both of you have been under a black cloud.  Your truck has broken down, your work had more demands **** had a relationship end, you pulled your back out, you have your own relationship problems..Oh the list goes on..I have nothing but empathy for you guys.  The thing of it is..I can't live with my house this way anymore. I can't live with thinking maybe you will be here maybe you won't.  We started this project in March-August makes six months.  So what are we gonna do?  Should we just pay you for what you have done and get someone else in to finish? I know your life is crazy right now.  But you need to understand our position too," 

I didn't write every reason that they gave since May for not showing up...But lets just say if they had mentioned locusts and plagues, I would not have been surprised. Sadly, I did not receive a response to this text..nothing. Nada. So, me being me...wrote another one

.  "****, just wondering if you could take two seconds to respond to my last text? If you are done here, please do me the courtesy of being direct and honest and telling me.  I have treated both you and **** with nothing but respect.  I don't think that it is too much to ask that you treat me in the same way." 

  I did not get a response to that one either. Again, being who I am..I decided to see what I could find out. Was he sick, in the hospital? Did he lose his phone? I mean, these guys were part of our lives for a very long time.  I baked for them!  They got my kids off the bus on the day of my surgery!  I just didn't think that a friend COULD treat me this way. To not respond?  To not even say "Hey my life is crap right now-please understand?" Something HAD to be wrong. It didn't make sense. And then I saw...He's just been too busy! I mean, it takes time to post that you listened to 120 songs( all about heartbreak) via spotify on Facebook! Oh and the post about how a" hangover is gods worst invention"!  I think of the hours to come up with such a pithy comment! Far be it from me to mess with someones creativity. Especially by asking them to give me a simple response. How dare I?  

  So here we are about to start a new school year..and the bathroom isn't yet done.  I could live with that...if it weren't for all the other things going on.  Oscar is going to transition over to the middle school this year-a change that has him very anxious and worried.  We found out this week, that the head of special Ed. at his school has left for another position. Understand, I in no way blame her for leaving...just as I wouldn't be surprised if other spec. ed. teachers left. Kind of like rats off of a sinking ship..only they aren't rats...they are wonderful dedicated people.  But, the way that our district views disability (unrealistically) and the changes (budget cuts) that they have implemented..it makes it impossible to do their jobs the way that they want to. It makes it impossible for our kids to excel in the ways that they can. Then when the test scores come in..and they find the spec. ed. kids lacking..they will blame the spec. ed. teachers whose budgets they have cut to nothing.  It is a viscous circle-and the children will bear the brunt of it.

  It makes me wonder sometimes...I am teaching my kids to be responsible, well mannered, critical thinking people. Sometimes, especially for my kids on the spectrum-it is hard. Yet they persevere..they go out every day and face each challenge with dignity, grace..and a positive outlook. They are not quitters. Then I look at some of the "adults" around them. I wonder why my kids have to work so hard at these skills..and why we live in a world that is so insistent that they have them..when so many people-who don't have even a quarter of the challenges my kids face daily...get away with being irresponsible. It makes no sense.

   I guess that we will just get through this year the best that we can.... That we find someone to help finish up my unfinished bathroom...that we can sell our house..and maybe find a school district that values my kids as much or as close to how much that I do. Until then I will tend my chickens..and kittens..and dogs..and kids...and laundry...and dream about calgon one day taking me away..

Pomp and circumstances beyond our control...

"Gasping at glimpses of gentle true spirit; he runs wishing he could fly only to trip at the sound of goodbye"

~Stephen Stills~

 I have a profile page on Facebook.  I use the site primarily as a way to keep informed of all the things happening in the world 'o autism.  It has connected me to people, groups and organizations I might never have known about.  Through it I have made some wonderful friends and connections.  Well, Facebook has this little section on the right hand side where it suggests people you might like to "friend"  Usually, they are friends of friends.  In other words, people who share the same interests that you do.  If I know of this person, or they are connected to many of my friends, I will take Facebook up on their suggestion. Today however, Facebook crossed the line..made a suggestion that had me shaking my head in disbelief..made me pose the question  "Just who does Facebook think I am?" ...and more importantly "Why?"  Yes, today Facebook recommended that I friend none other than "Regis Philbin"  What the hell???  What Could I possibly have in common with him??  He's a creepy old guy that shouts too much!  What in the world have I done or posted that would make Facebook think I should connect with Regis??? Do they think I'm incontinent?  I'm 46!  Not old and complacent!  I have full use of my limbs! (being immobile is only way you would ever catch me watching his show-seeing that I would be unable to move and couldn't reach the remote to change the channel)  Until today,(and the Regis suggestion) I hadn't ever really thought about my age. I am who I am...sigh...if only it were that easy for Sammy.

  It was a big week for Sammy. My gentle boy, my shining light, the kid who we were once told not to have too many expectations for, that same boy we were told "wouldn't" or "couldn't"-THAT BOY, graduated from elementary school this week...and I am breathless. Also a little worn out..

  It was a long ceremony that could have been a whole lot shorter.  First they had to give awards to the kids with the best immune systems. Yes, there is an award for the kids who did not miss one day of school.  Maybe it is just me-but really..do you want me sending my kid in when he has the flu?  Is it his fault if he happens to get sick? Is not getting sick really worthy of an award?  Then there were awards for participating in chorus (most kids did).  So we had to sit while fifty or so kids went up to receive that award..then there were the "participating in band" awards. Remember the trombone?  There seemed to be awards for everything...and it felt like five hundred million kids each got them..and we had to patiently clap for every single one of them. But the most ridiculous (in my opinion) award was for meeting the equivalent in standardized tests.  We all know those tests-every state has them.  So in the first place, giving awards for something they are supposed to have done  is.well...kind of redundant. In the second place MOST of these kids did NOT meet the standards in BOTH reading and math.(4 met neither)  Only handful exceeded in both subjects. Yet all but those four kids got an award. What does that say?  Mediocrity is o.k.? Excelling is no big deal-because everyone is going to be recognized?  Why have standards if you don't hold them up?

 It was a long ceremony.  I started to feel like we were at that part of the Academy awards that doesn't get televised-because no one but the recipient cares about the award.  Don't get me wrong!  There were nice parts as well. The kids got to hand out flowers to the people who meant the most to them at school.  Sammy gave his to his first grade teacher-who absolutely rocks!  She was the first teacher who saw his potential and accepted him for who he is.  She helped lay down the foundation that led to his love of learning.  We adore her-and Sammy-he loves her dearly. But to me, the greatest part of the ceremony (besides the end)..was when their  were four special awards given-Writing, Math, History, and Science.  These were given to the kids who showed the most interest-the most passion-and because of that-the most promise for these things.  My Sammy-(remember the boy we were told not to expect much from?)  My Sammy won the science award. Again I was breathless..and amazed and in awe..and utterly overwhelmed with love for my boy.  Because he can-because he does-and because he will.  The ceremony ended with the fourth graders playing the same four notes over and over on their recorders (music teacher is retiring)  as each of the fifth graders names were called and they received their certificate of graduation. To say that I was overwhelmed would be an understatement  as I watched Sammy receive his. My lovely boy, my gentle soul..is taking flight.. 

  It was a big week for him, and the beginning of a lot of changes.  He's having such a tough time with all of it.  There is a part of him that longs to grow up-and a part that clings desperately to childhood. He is standing in that hard place between being a boy and becoming a young man-and he doesn't care for it.  Not one bit.  Today we were talking about our towns summer recreation program-and he got very upset with me..

"Hey buddy...maybe in a few years instead of GOING to summer rec, you can be one of the counselors." .."I don't WANT to be a counselor!  I just want to go!"  "But Sammy-there will come a time when you are too old to be one of the kids..." He didn't like that idea at all...he got all teary..I tried to explain.."Remember when you watched "The Wiggles" all the time..(24/7) and I told you that there would come a time when you didn't like them anymore(I was desperate)?"  "yeah..."  "Well you said that you would NEVER stop watching "The Wiggles"!!"...well, do you watch them now? " "No.."  "See..?.you stopped when you were ready to..growing up just kind of happens..without you even thinking about it..o.k.?  "O.K....but I still don't want to be a counselor!"  "Yeah..well I don't want to be friends with Regis Philbin!"  "Who?"..."Never mind.."