A scary tale of IEP's and permanent records....

~"Trouble...trouble trouble trouble trouble...Trouble been dogging my soul since the day I was born."~ Ray Lamontagne

     It was a dark and stormy night...well actually it was a lovely afternoon...the sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky..it was a perfect fall day. I was on my way to an I.E.P. meeting..Zoe, my youngest, needed to have services set up for her in the pre-school. She was officially diagnosed with PDD(nos), selective mutism, and tics, roughly about four months ago.  For the past year, she has been receiving occupational therapy for weak motor skills. To put it in a nutshell-my girl has needs. I figured that this would be a quick meeting-set up her services, sign a couple of papers, make some small talk and I'd be home in plenty of time to down a gallon or so of coffee before the herd was home for the day. I am not a novice at IEP meetings.  After participating in them for ten years, I see myself as sort of a professional.  I am to the IEP meeting  what the "Lord of the dance" is to...well dancing-only my shoes are way more stylish. 

  So I sauntered into the meeting, took my seat..made a little chit chat..I was calm..happy even. I believed that my girl was going to get what she needed and life would go on.  BIG MISTAKE. Our case worker started by asking how Zoe was doing at school. Her teacher replied that she followed the routine..didn't talk much, but seemed to be settling in. I responded that Zoe loved going to school-and that talking was one of the issues we needed to work on. From this brief exchange, the caseworker decided that perhaps Zoe didn't need intervention..that because she was able to speak, her right to a public education was not being impeded..and that she wouldn't qualify for services. I interjected with "She has a diagnosis of select mutism AND autism!"  and was roundly told "Diagnosis doesn't mean anything-and that if she didn't have a diagnosis, she could be seen as just "shy" and shyness didn't qualify for services...that perhaps she had "mental health issues" that could be dealt with in therapy-something the state didn't have to pay for deal with and furthermore...would we want this diagnosis on her PERMANENT RECORD?" (cue creepy organ music and blood curdling screams) 


  Oh good lord!  The permanent record ploy? Really? For those of you that don't know-the idea of a "permanent record" is a tactic used by many educational uummm... institutions across the country. From about fifth grade on-everything and anything you may or may not do in the school environment is said to be put on your permanent record. Test scores.."borrowing" the school van and filling it with crumpled newspapers..after school activities..all of them will be jotted down in ink ..and supposedly this record will be used against you follow you all the rest of your days.  Kind of like a rap sheet without a mugshot. (which in my opinion is the only kind of record  worth worrying about) The thing of it is-this ploy works. Usually. Unless of course you get someone who questions authority. Not that I'm speaking from any experience mind you. But I'll just say this-I graduated high school, went to a decent college, worked, got married, had kids, own a house..so my permanent record (which is a bit interesting) has had about as much impact in my life as say learning geometry or the chemical properties of sludge. But I digress...


  I admit...I was a little blown away by this. A little gob-smacked.  I got a annoyed...frustrated...a tad bit angry. I strongly suggested she read the DSM..(hell, I even quoted it!) that in doing so she might realize that autism was a neurological disorder. I asked her how mental health therapy could possibly benefit my daughter." She's FOUR YEARS OLD! What in the world would she possibly talk about-My little pony??!!" She then suggested that perhaps I would consider cancelling services for a while to "see how things go.."( As a side note to anyone here new to diagnosis-CANCEL NOTHING! You will have to fight a zillion times harder to get services reinstated)...She then of course assured me that getting services back would be "simple". HA!...sigh.. I am only slightly ashamed to admit that at that point I asked her if she had been "smoking crack"....   We were at an impasse.  Neither one of us was going to budge. So we agreed to have an educational consultant come in to observe Zoe in the classroom. That we would meet again in thirty days to discuss the results of those findings.  In the meantime Zoe would continue to receive services.


 Of course as soon as I got home, I began calling every advocacy group that I could think of and was considering consulting an education attorney. If I had to fight, I would. No one messes with my kids and gets away with it! I am an experienced mother!..and I wear great shoes! sigh...  Wouldn't you know it... It seems that all of my phone calls turned out to be unnecessary.  After spending two days in Zoe's classroom...Guess what?  The consultant believes that my girl has issues after all!  When our our caseworker called to tell me that perhaps Zoe did indeed qualify-I exclaimed very loudly (in my head) "You mean that I wasn't making it all up! Wasn't in some sort of plot to bilk the state out of money in an effort to get unnecessary services for my daughter! Because really, autism is the "thing" to have these days."  The caseworker then had the audacity suggested that we might want to use "autism" as the official diagnosis because "it will open doors for her to get the services that she needs."  I again held my tongue. Didn't mention her "permanent record" or "smoking crack"....Or the fact that this conversation was redundant.  Oh but I wanted too. Really..But even I know when to keep my mouth shut. (most of the time)...(see permanent record) 


  What I failed to consider before our meeting was our recent state budget cuts. The intention of our caseworker was to cut us off from services-thus saving her agency money. In essence, letting her agency off the hook-and in effect, dropping it into the lap of the school system next year. (kids aren't covered by this state agency when they start kindergarten) I also believe that she thought she would be able to walk all over me. Big mistake. I mean, if she had only read my "permanent record" she would have known better. 
  

He aint heavy..he's my Little Bill?

" I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."~E.B. White 

  

  I don't know if any of you are familiar with the children's show "Little Bill".  It is a cartoon (created by Bill Cosby) about a little boy.  Oscar really likes it...a lot..although not to the point of obsession like he was with "Caillou" or "Thomas the evil Tank Engine" but he really enjoys this show. For some reason (that he won't explain) he refers to the character of Little Bill as his" brother". This in turn aggravates Sammy to no end. 

  "Mama! My brothers coming on!" "Oscar...he's not your brother!" "He is too Sammy! Little Bill is my brother." "Oscar! He can't be your brother!"  "But he is...he is my brother!" "Oscar..look it isn't logical.  How can he be your brother when he lives all the way in New York City?" "But he is..he is my brother!"  "Oscar!! That doesn't make sense.  Look you live here with us and he lives far away so he can't be your brother..Mama..tell him that Little Bill can't be his brother!" "Sam, if Oscar wants to say he's his brother-LET HIM!..It doesn't hurt anyone." "But Mama..Look..it isn't logical..he lives too far away." "Sammy..I have brothers who live far away.." "But they are grown up!  Little Bill is only five!  It doesn't make sense..a five year old doesn't live that far away..Oscar! He can't be your brother!"  "But he is Sammy..Little Bill is my brother."  And on and on it went until..well..until I got sucked further in.."Sammy" I said calmly "Of course he can't be his brother-we know that-Oscar knows that. He is just having fun...he's pretending...using his imagination..leave him alone."   "But Mama! He..." "Sammy-stop! Let...IT...Go."  "But Mama it isn't logical.."  "SAMMY..Oscar knows he can't be his brother! He is a cartoon!  Logically, I could not have given birth to him..Believe me I would know if I had..I could not have adopted him..there are no adoption agencies for cartoons..If either example were true we would have made history..so no..of course Little Bill is NOT his brother..but if he wants to say he is...LET HIM!!!!!"  "but Mama! It's not true!" SIGH..sometimes I wonder why I don't drink. "Sam..why are you letting this upset you..it is no big deal." "Because he keeps saying it..." "Sammy...Oscar says a lot of things..if you don't like it...walk away..ride your bike...go upstairs...play the computer..but for the love of all things holy..LET IT BE!"  "Fine...but he's still not his brother.."...from the playroom comes a giggle and a "yes he is Sammy...Little Bill IS my brother..heeheeheehee"

  Sometimes the two of them...well...sometimes I just can't win. They can both be so persistent.  Which can be a wonderful quality to have.  Although unfortunately at times it can work at cross purposes..like with Little Bill..or Suzy the mannequin at Old Navy.  They get entirely too caught up in reacting and... reacting...and I wind up getting sucked in.  Believe me-I'm not complaining. We have a very vibrant household...  and at moments like this, all I really have to do is look back to see how far they have come.  There was a time when neither of them spoke.  When I didn't always know what they were trying to tell me.  How frustrated we all were.  So you will never catch me complaining ...gently moaning perhaps..but never complaining. Most of the time I look at them in awe.  Usually for good reason.

  This past week Sammy,( the boy who had once stopped talking), was elected to the student council. ELECTED!!! You know that thing where people have to vote for you? Elected-my boy. I am overwhelmed with it all. We were told so many conflicting things in the early days of diagnosis..some better than others..but none very positive. I think back to that time..how afraid we were..afraid to hope..almost afraid to breathe..and now-we are breathless.  His teacher emailed me to say that Sam had given a very articulate speech-that in fact this is what swayed the vote. My boy-a speech!  In front of people!  How earth shattering is that?  I asked Sammy later what he had spoken about. He told me that he spoke about  his concern with too much talking in the classroom, the use of "bad" language and...well the tables in the cafeteria were too scattered and should be lined up neater....I guess some things never change...


  I don't think that Oscar purposefully pushes Sammy's buttons all of the time...at least at first.  Oscar says a lot of "interesting" things.  Usually, once he gets it out-it's out, done-over. But when Sammy starts getting annoyed-Oscar becomes a little bit like Roger Rabbit. He HAS to respond-HAS TO....which makes for interesting arguments at our house.  Either way-I would like to make it quite clear that although Oscar may have some of the tendencies of Roger Rabbit-Mr. Rabbit is not is biological father..nor is Little Bill his biological brother. I have never been intimate with a cartoon character.  I swear-REALLY!...It wouldn't be logical.  Just ask Sammy.

17, 12, 100 with miles to go-but at least I get sleep...

"Men are from earth.  Women are from earth.  Deal with it."  George Carlin

 Saturday mornings have evolved in our household. I woke up today on my own. How lovely it is to open your eyes at your leisure! To wake up when your body tells you to. You see, in the not so distant past it was very different. No longer am I woken up by four children, their faces a half inch from mine..having a very loud discussion on whether or not I was going to get up soon-

  Thinking back now...it has been twelve years since I was able to do this-twelve years exactly. I remember back to the beginning..It was a glorious fall morning as we made our way to the hospital.  My water had broken the night before-and aside for some slight back pain, I was doing pretty well.  So well in fact that I stupidly innocently exclaimed "This is labor? I can do this! Piece of cake!"  sigh.. I was so very young and ignorant.  I had not yet been introduced to the world of pitocin..I had not yet found myself begging asking for the anesthesiologists home address after my epidural fell out. (yes, I was more than willing to drive there.) I had not yet known what it was like to hold a newborn baby in my arms..the terror and wonder of it..oh and euphoria (labor was over) I had no idea of what to expect over time..what the next twelve years would bring..The ups the downs-twists and turns..I certainly didn't know how very blessed I was.


 Today my Sammy-my wonderful boy turns twelve.. Oh I know sometimes I make him angry, make him do things like homework, cleaning his room...tying his own shoes..I know I have made some mistakes..said the wrong things..didn't understand what was going on in his life. Can't tell you how many times I have wanted to kick myself..wanted to take my words back..wanted to jump in and take over because I didn't think he could handle some things on his own. Too many times to count. And yet, regardless of all my mistakes..here he stands..Joyful and loving..an absolutely incredible boy. I look at him (well really- all of my kids) all that he is and is becoming and count my blessings.  Every second of every minute of every day since he was born, has been a privilege and an honor..a joy and an adventure.  Yeah, we've had our rough times..but who doesn't.  I will say though- that having a partner in crime parenting has made a difference.

  Not only is it Sammy's birthday-but it is our seventeenth anniversary as well. To quote the Grateful Dead.."What a long strange trip it's been."  What started out as..well..a fling (for me it was lust at first sight) has turned into the adventure of a life time. Through thirty plus moves..being broke..being solvent..through fire and flood..near homelessness..three houses..running a business together..legal issues..and oh so much more..Here we are-with four incredible children..more in love than the day we were married. Omar has been the anchor to my wind..my constant companion..my best friend and my biggest champion. He holds the part of my heart not reserved for our children. Together we raise our wonderful babies..live our lives, dream our dreams...Together- we are "home".

  This is the one hundredth post for this blog. I started writing almost two years ago out of frustration. I was becoming so very annoyed with how autism was being played out in the media. I couldn't relate to any of it.  Especially when I was being told by celebrities like Oprah that families like mine were tragic. We aren't tragic..we are a comedy-sometimes of errors..but a comedy nonetheless. My goal when I started this blog, was to write at least one post a week. This was a place for me to tell our story-in my own way.  To tell the truth-I didn't expect to be read...didn't even think about it. The fact that I am..well, it's thrilling..and flattering..and all kinds of wonderful things.  I thank all of you who have kept up with me..who have commented or just stopped by and read. It really is very lovely of you. It also inspires me to keep at it..to write that one post a week..it gives me purpose....and a reason to write. So Thanks...

  So as it is my anniversary and Sammy's birthday...AND I have written my post for the week..I am going to go wrap some presents...and enjoy the wonderful day that this is. I do hope that Omar gets home from work soon..theres cake....double chocolate...and it's calling my name.

Wow-I'm flattered..and I like it...

  What a wonderful way to start my day..I received this blogger award from one of my favorite autism bloggers Big Daddy Autism. He received the award from another of my favorite bloggers Floortime lite mama.. In order to accept the award, I have to tell you seven things about myself that you don't already know-And I have to pass this on to seven bloggers that I think are great. The blogger part is easy..the seven things about myself..well once you've admitted that you keep a spare toilet in your garage..it's hard to go from there...but I'll try...


1) I love candy in all its various forms.  I consider it the base of my food pyramid. I don't however eat green candy. I have never liked it.  If I am eating a box of "Jujyfruits" or any other kind of gummy type thing-I always throw out the green ones-or try and pawn them off on Omar.  If I were stranded on a desert island, and the only thing to eat was green candy-I would die. 


2) Peter Falk (actor who played "Columbo") has seen me naked.  I worked as an artists model in N.Y. and he came into the studio I was posing in- looking for models to use.  He didn't hire me. My ego blames his glass eye.


3)  Although I have gotten better at it-ordering pizza, calling a plumber..or in general making any kind of phone call like that freaks me out.  I am not the only one in my family like this.  I once made my sister pay me to call a locksmith. 


4) Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love trick or treating. I think that this is one of the perks of having kids. 


5)  I love shoes..especially platforms. Most of my shoes have a three inch or more heel.


6)  Through blogging, I have met one of my best and dearest friends-Kim Wombles.(also one of my favorite bloggers)  In the year and a half that I have known her, we have worked together on many projects. The autism blogs directory is our latest.  We have shared so much with each other-about our lives, our accomplishments, goals..love of chocolate. Funny thing is-we have never met for reals, nor spoken on the phone.  She doesn't even know what I look like.  Yet my day would not be complete without the thirty zillion back and forth emails to each other. Go figure.


7) If you had asked me twenty years ago what I'd be doing now-being married and having four kids was definitely not on the agenda.  I regret nothing-but from time to time find myself amazed thinking about the person I was as opposed to the person I am becoming.


  So there you have it-my list of seven unknowns.  Now on to the fun part. I could name at least a hundred blogs that I love. Because of the way my life is, I don't get to read as much as I want to. I usually reserve a day to just go and read, catch up and comment. I appreciate so many-but I'm only allowed to tag seven of my favorites..here they are in no particular order-


The king and eye

Jazzygal

Looking for blue sky

Mother of Shrek

No Stereotypes here

Embracing chaos

On the spectrum

I look forward to reading seven things about them-and the discovering the blogs that they choose. :)

waiting for the bus on a Friday morning...

"If you want to make god laugh, tell him your future plans" ~Woody Allen~

  We have a steady routine on school mornings.  I get up before the kids so that I can at least drink a half gallon or so of coffee  before waking them. Because,  once they are awake, I have to be on my toes.  I never know what the mood of any of them is going to be like-so I want to be alert-ready to fend off any hitch in our very well structured morning routine.  We also only have one bathroom. One bathroom for six people. We have been trying to put in another-but we seem to be thwarted at every turn. We just don't have very good  bathroom Karma. From potty training to flushing Thomas and his cheeky friends..we must have gone through at least eight toilets so far. Sadly, I am not exaggerating.  There have been many nights spent standing in ankle deep....water-hopping from foot to foot..hoping that we can get it to work with a hammer some craft glue and tape. Oh we have learned to be prepared-the hard way. We now keep a spare toilet in the garage.  It's right next to the power tools and lawn mower.    

  Every morning after they have eaten breakfast, they sit and watch television until the bus comes.  We have about fifteen minutes before PBS starts broadcasting children's shows. So I usually make them watch Yoga...until "Arthur" comes on.  This is probably one of the only children's shows that I can bear watching. Even though I do take issue with an aardvark having a dog as a pet. What is it with that?  Oh you don't want to get me started on children's programming..Has anyone ever watched "Clifford the Big Red Dog"? Does anyone notice that his family lives on a small island-an island!  Where does a gigantic dog, the size of a small building- poop? How does this family whose only source of income comes from selling things made of sea shells afford to feed a dog of that size? Not only that-they have a big house with more than one bathroom!  On the ocean!. sigh...It's sad when you start questioning cartoon characters..worse when you are envious..but I digress..As I was saying, our mornings are pretty calm. We have a rhythm a routine- it works.

  So there we were on Friday morning....We were running a few minutes late..Sammy was still in the bathroom...when Oscar started singing the cow song. Now this is totally my fault.  Oscar, being the computer whiz that he is, finds the most interesting (but not always appropriate) things to watch. He loves Youtube.   We try and monitor him with this..but sometimes..well..lets just say "Punching Barney" isn't what I want him viewing-no matter how much I might agree with the sentiment.  So, I try and find more appropriate things that we both will find amusing.  Because, if Oscar likes it-he will repeat it over and over.....and over.  That's why I showed him the cow video...sigh..What was I thinking?  


Me- "Alright..does everyone have their stuff?  Sammy hurry up..the bus is gonna be here in a few minutes"
Oscar-"I am cow..I am cow..."
Sammy-"I'll be done in a minute.."
Oscar-"Hear me moo...moo...moo..."
Me-"Alright.."
Oscar-"mama?...Cow..cow...Mama?  I need to go into the bathroom."
Me-"O.K....Sammy hurry up, Oscar needs to get in there.."
Oscar-" I eat grass..gas comes....Mama..I WANT to go in the bathroom NOW...you said I can say things in the bathroom.."


 It's true..I did..Oscar sometimes has this great need to yell certain things out..we are trying to teach him that not everything is acceptable in public.. trying to give him a private place..a place to go when the URGE  overwhelms him...The bathroom is that place.  Only on Friday morning the one bathroom was occupied and Oscar really really wanted to express himself...and we really needed him to do this BEFORE school.


Oscar-"Mama..do you want to hear how I sing the cow hahahahaha song?"
Me-"Sammy...you really need to get out of there now!.."
Sammy"But I'm not done yet!"
Oscar-"The gas comes out my AA...hahahahahaha..
Me-"butt!"
Oscar-"That's not it...Mama?...The gas comes out my...heehee..Mama?...Can I say it..haha..Mama?"
Me-"You can't hold it?"
Oscar-"I'm trying!! ..haha...haha..The gas comes out..HAHAHAHAHAHAH!  "
Me-"Go ahead.."
Oscar-"I eat GRASS..hahaha and GAS comes out my..hahahaha...MY HINEY! HAHAHAHA!!"


  He tricked me! He had me thinking that he was going to say something else..that little weasel really had me going!  I thought "Wow-he's really getting it-getting that certain words should not be yelled at the top of ones lungs." For the next ten minutes or so he sang parts of the cow song...looking at me when it came to "that" part..laughing away..until he got to the line "Milk and cheese and butter made with liquid from my....Mama?...He's peeing milk."  "No Oscar...it is an UDDER..it is a girl..you get milk from GIRL cows..from their UDDERS."..."But Mama..it looks like a PE.. hahahahaha...""Oscar it is an UDDER!"....""O.k. Mama..but it looks...""Oscar."..As the bus pulled up and the kids were going out the door..Oscar started singing.."Made with liquid from MY.." he gave me this big smile..a hug and kiss...and ran on to the bus...


  And so another week has come to a close.  Our first full week of school since it started.  I think we are all doing o.k.  And although I am still desperately hoping for a second bathroom-We seem to be doing just fine without it. 

Getting off the wheel....

"Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it."    

~Jean Kerr~

You know, they told me it would be hard..that I would feel sad..lonely. That this big event would be difficult for me-bittersweet. Personally?  I think they just need to get out more.  Because,  I am....overjoyed! Thrilled..Giddy..absolutely out of my mind with happiness! Zoe started pre-school last week, and for the first time in twelve years..I AM ALONE!!!   Monday through Friday, for four beautiful hours a day-my time is my own! Did I mention that I was happy?  


  I really wasn't sure what to expect this year. Change...transitions..they are hard for all my kids.  Yet, so far this year has been almost too easy.  So many changes-and yet, they are doing really well! I have to admit, I was kind of worried....and the irrational part of me..the one who knocks on wood and is afraid of "jinxing" things, makes me almost afraid to write about it. But the kids have really been amazing.


  Sammy started middle school this year. Big change for him.There is a lot more expected...the work, changing classes..a locker.  Add puberty and all the fun with hormones..and I thought we were really going to struggle.  This past summer, he was a regular bundle of anxiety and worry. There really wasn't much anyone could do about it..I think the thought of it, the expectation...the unknowing-really had him going.  Now that school finally started and everything he stressed over has finally happened..he is a new boy. He is calm and relaxed. He has taken on all these new challenges with relish. I am in awe!  We were talking about school the other day.  He had had an assignment where he was to write a descriptive paragraph about a place he had been. With just a little prompting, he wrote a lovely piece. He told me that the ed. tech in his class room had made a big deal over it. Saying that she really could get a sense of the place he had written about because he had done such a good job.  He was so proud!  He said "Mama..It's a good thing I have an autistic brain." "Why do you say that?" ... "My brain lets me think and picture things different.  That's why my writing was so interesting." He then went on to tell me in intricate detail about certain television shows and their characters- their wants, needs, hopes, desires...what they like to eat, wear, read, sing..their political ambitions....sigh... Assuming that I knew exactly what he was talking about...


   The fact is, we have always been honest with the kids about autism. How could we not?  Especially as the boys are getting older .. they know they are different from their peers..and we couldn't ignore that. We have explained about the spectrum and how all people autistic or not see things differently. Autism is an explanation not an excuse.  It is certainly nothing to be ashamed of.  It's funny, in talking to Sammy about this, I have many times mentioned that he and Oscar are both on the spectrum-but in different places.  I said "Sammy, sometimes people look at Oscar, and all they see is his shaking and his noises and they assume he isn't very smart." He looked at me as if I had two heads...he said "That's just crazy talk! Don't they know Oscar is a comic genius!" I'll have to remind him of that the next time Oscar starts..ummm..hugging the mannequins at Old Navy. 


   So my kids seem to be doing well in these first few weeks.  I have to say, I am pleasantly surprised.  Usually we get into the flow of things just in time for the Christmas break. After which we spend a month or two adjusting all over again.  This year has certainly been different. As for me-well I get to step off of the hamster wheel that has become my life- for at least a few hours a day. It is a little too early for me to decide just what I'm going to do with this "extra " time.I'll tell you something though- I refuse to let it just be laundry-although I do have some catching up to do. (like two months worth) But,  if things keep going as smoothly as they have been..well the possibilities are endless.  But just in case...I'm gonna knock on wood.

A letter to my former dentist...

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.  The fearful are caught as often as the bold"~Helen Keller~

                                                                                            9/11/10

  Dear Family Dentistry,

  I am writing to thank you for the care you have given both Omar and myself. When we moved here five years ago, we were happy to find a dental group that advertised "care for the family".  As we do have four children, it was nice to find a practice we would all be able to go to.

  Your patience with both myself and Omar has been thoroughly appreciated.  As you know I have extreme dental anxiety, your understanding, kindness.... and well... Valium have helped significantly. And Omar? Well that gag reflex gets him every time doesn't it?  He still feels awful for the time he threw up all over your floor even though you assured him that these things happen.  Last week, my kids left feeling pretty good about their dental experience.(even though there were a few minor mishaps)  So you can imagine my dismay when you called to tell us that you would be unable to treat Oscar.

  Now I know that he didn't have the easiest visit. He does have sensory issues like his mom and a gag reflex like his dad. We blame ourselves for not thinking to tell him to close his eyes during the x ray. He was distracted by something he saw at the last minute and moved a little. I also understand that an extreme gag reflex is hard to work around, and that the mint sealant you tried to use made him throw up.  Thankfully it was only on himself and Omar.  Although I have to mention that your jumping back horrified and saying "I can't do this! I can't do this!" didn't really help the situation. Oscar felt pretty bad about that.  I own the fact that I didn't fully prepare him for this visit.  I assumed that  he was scheduled for just a check up. ( his last one went so well ) I didn't think to prepare him for any work being done. I take full responsibility for that. Had I thought to prepare him , it would have been a different experience.  I did try to explain to you that the next time it would be easier. But unfortunately, there won't be a next time, because you don't want to treat him.

  Had you called and simply said "we are afraid that with his gag reflex and sensitivity issues, we won't be able to do the work necessary-and that a pediatric dentist would be better able and more qualified to help"  I would have been more understanding. But you didn't. I again tried to explain that we hadn't properly prepared him, and asked that we give it another try. Instead you you went on to tell us that yours was a practice that didn't really deal with kids and that you didn't carry non flavored sealants.  You don't really deal with kids??? So then why the play area, the toys, the contests-Am I supposed to believe they are there for those wishing to let out their inner child?  What about  THE WEB PAGE that gives a full and detailed description on  how you treat children in your practice?  Or how about the fact that you call yourself "Family dentistry"?  No, what I think you really meant to say was that you don't treat kids like Oscar. Big difference. Non flavored sealants-my bodacious backside!

   You see, the thing about autism or really any other disability, is that sometimes this is all that people notice.  They don't bother looking at the person. Instead, they make assumptions. Kind of like you thinking Oscar can't behave any other way and me thinking I had prepared him enough..We were both wrong. The thing is, I can admit it.   Oh sure, I could send Oscar to a different dentist than his siblings-it certainly would be easier for us. But what would Oscar think?  That is important.  The really disappointing thing?  Is that with just a few minor accommodations, some simple explanations and a lot of preparation (on our part), we could have made this work. Oscar (as you implied) is not going to "out grow" his sensory issues. To tell you the truth, I was stunned when you suggested this.Stunned...  and then you went on to say that he would be welcome back at that time. Wow.  No, Oscar is an autistic kid-who is going to grow up to be an autistic adult. I wonder what people will say to him then. 

  Now, I can continue to kick myself for not having prepared him better( I really do hold myself mostly responsible)-or I can move on.  I choose the latter.  My family will no longer be needing your services as a dentist. Because we are a "family"... and to us "family" means that no one is excluded.

          UPDATE....This phone conversation did indeed happen.  I wasn't clear enough though in the beginning.  It was between Omar, myself and the dental assistant.  The dentist did indeed try and get in touch with me later, but I wasn't home to get the call.  Although I see no point in calling back...sigh...